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^{Updated 12/12/22}

Well, we couldn’t have been more wrong. After weeks of theorizing, White Lotus has come to another nail-biting, tragic end that no one saw coming. I mean, the whole episode gave me raging anxiety. Let’s dig in.

It turns out all Ethan and Cam had to do to solve their marital problems was sleep with each other’s wives. Oh, and the scene where Daphne finds out about it all and plots her revenge within 10 seconds? Give Meghann Fahy her Emmy now.

Perhaps one of the biggest surprises of the night was discount Harry Jowsey — AKA Jack — deciding to spare Portia’s life despite her outfit choices. And of course, she and Albie connect over their failed love attempts.

But, all good things must fall apart. Of course, Jennifer Coolidge’s beloved Tanya character had to die in the most Tanya way. But not before finding out she’s a pretty good shot. And might I add, there were steps RIGHT THERE. I’m putting in my personal request for Mike White to fit her into Season 3 somehow, as is rumored in Japan.

If you want to see how our editors completely missed the mark…read on!

With the White Lotus finale happening this weekend, we are certain of one thing only: anyone could die. Countless fan theories are swirling around the internet and it’s taught us that we don’t know who to believe anymore. Every White Lotus theory seems correct, but we know to expect the unexpected with this show.

Our editors have our theories, too:

Langa

This time last week I was convinced that it was over for Ms Tanya — and her little Portia too. But now I’m less sure. I — along with half the internet, so I can’t take credit — called the connection between Greg and the gays. The working theory: they were conspiring to kill Tanya for her fortune. However, Episode 6 revealed that they videotaped Tanya’s fab tryst with the Italian drug dealer. It seems Greg will use the tape to get Tanya’s money in the divorce. With this in mind, a murder plot seems superfluous. With the bag secured, there’s no need for violence. I’m still putting a big pin in the gun in the bag though. Much to think about.

And so now I am left with these theories:

• Lucia is trying to scam Albie for money. In Episode 1, she seemed very friendly with Alessio so his stalking might be an act to get a windfall from the naive puppy. Then something goes wrong and Albie gets it
• Something has to be up with the grandfather. He keeps falling — maybe this time, to his death? Last season’s murder was also an accident, so all this might end up being much simpler than we thought
• I do not think the couples are the murderees. But I have theories about them: I think Harper was fucking with Ethan the way Daphne does to Cam. By flirting with Cam and unlocking the door, she wants him to go crazy like she did. And this craziness is the most passion she’s seen from Ethan the whole time
• HOWEVER something could be going on with the fact that Cam hasn’t paid Lucia. She might confront him again and something go awry and someone dies
• Did Valentina give Mia a master key to the hotel? That spells trouble for sure
• When Lucia said “The whores are always punished in the end” what if she was talking about Jack, who seems to be in some transactional relationship with his not-uncle. What if Portia and Tanya try to get away and out pops the gun, which ends up killing my Essex king?

PSA: I don’t have TikTok so I feel like I’m missing out on valuable clues. Regardless, this is going to be so embarrassing come Monday when all my theories are wrong. Here’s what I’m thinking:

• Quentin and Greg try to kill Tanya or catch her in a ‘less-than-flattering situation,’ BUT Tanya and Portia use their narcissistic superpowers and end up killing him – intentional or not, I have no idea
• This is technically like three guesses in one, but something goes down with Albie, Lucia, or Mia. Mia’s gone off the rails with her singing sex-scapades and I think it’s going to come to a dramatic ending
• The married couples are where things get tricky for me. I oddly feel like Ethan and Cam have an unannounced chemistry (?), but Daphne threw me for a loop with those baby pictures (??). My money’s on Daphne snapping and killing Cam. But also Ethan is stressing me TF out.
• Lucia, Albie, the Dad, and the dad’s Dad are giving me big Oedipus Rex energy. Considering that also doesn’t end great, I’m getting the sense that some unknown familial relation(ship) is going to come to the surface.

Also, can I get bonus points if Laura Dern shows up?

Jai

My roommate, Brynn, has sent me a plethora of White Lotus theories on the Tok and the theories make me feel like I haven’t been watching the same show. Granted, you would have to pause every single scene to know what’s happening here. But here are my most solid ones:

• That creepy scene where all of the men are staring at Aubrey Plaza while she walks around? It’s a parallel from L’Aventura (1960) where Monica Vitti ends up with her friend’s boyfriend after the friend disappears. Could we be seeing Cam and Harper together? Not to mention Tanya says she wants to look like Monica Vitti in a previous ep…
• …Or is it that Jenna’s right and Ethan and Cam are truly meant to be? The artwork in Harper’s room is all Achilles and Patroclus. Patroclus did heroically disguise himself as Achilles to be killed by the Trojans
• When Jack is singing the “Blowing Bubbles” song, it’s a signal to the people of Palermo that he is ready to fight. In 2006, 20 West Ham United fans were arrested for a brawl where they were “fighting like animals.” Jack is such a fan, he has a symbol from their crest tattooed on him. He’s up to no good and I’m scared
• One person who dies isn’t supposed to die. Portia wearing “The Godfather” t-shirt where the wrong marked car is blown up. Then, when they are testing the car explosion, it’s the same dress Tanya is wearing. So perhaps Tanya was due to die but someone else does instead