Chances are pretty good that if you…*checks news*…live literally anywhere in the world, you’re probably quarantined and maybe dying from COVID-19 right now.
I probably am right now. Sure, some psychologists are saying, “Don’t let coronavirus tip society into panic,” but panic is a natural response to unseen threats that make us question our survival and why we even exist. So if you’re going to be stuck in your bedroom during what very well might be your last two weeks on earth, you might as well catch up on all the movies that God quizzes you on when you get into heaven.
Wait, what? That’s right, dear reader, God is a major movie buff, according to a prophetic vision I had last night while quarantined, and let me assure you that I immediately and accurately jotted His favorite titles down so you can ace the test and not be cast into the fiery pits of Eternal Damnation. Remember, if you don’t die as a seasoned movie buff, God will not let you in. Look it up in The Bible.
Noah
According to God, high-budget Hollywood retellings of biblical stories are His favorite form of worship. So it almost goes without saying that Darren Aronofsky’s Noah epic, starring Russell Crowe, made the list. While many of the other Hollywood bible epics take too many liberties for God’s liking, God assured me that Noah is a spot-on interpretation, and that Noah’s real adopted daughter actually did look a little bit like Emma Watson. God also mentioned that flooding the world was one of the coolest things He ever did, so it was pretty fun to watch on the big screen.
The Passion of the Christ
Mel Gibson’s poorly received Jesus Christ biopic may be a slog to get through, but honestly, we should have seen this coming. After all, when a guy who vocally hates Jews decides to direct a movie about God’s son, you better believe God’s going to take notice. The funny part is that God didn’t like it either. God made it crystal clear that Mel Gibson failed to capture Jesus’ mannerisms and that the main point in having us watch is so we can all make fun of it together from an informed perspective.
God’s Not Dead
With a paltry budget of only two million dollars, and a very silly cameo appearance from Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson, God informed me that even though He hates to use the term, He couldn’t help feeling like God’s Not Dead took His name in vain. The movie’s premise that God actually cares whether or not some dumb college students believe in Him was deeply offensive, especially when the only thing He actually cares about is whether or not we can pass his cinematic litmus test. He hopes that we can use take this movie as a lesson in what not to do.
Gods of Egypt
Straight up, God would not stop praising Gods of Egypt. This is a direct quote from God during my quarantined vision: “Dude, Gods of Egypt is so underrated. Realizing there wasn’t going to be a sequel was the exact thing that made me start coronavirus.” God clarified that while it’s technically a good-bad movie, it’s so good-bad that it might actually just be amazing. He’s really into good-bad movies, so that’s probably a useful thing to keep in mind when you kick the bucket. Also, if you happen to be Tommy Wiseau, he’s going to talk your ear off. Like, he loves you, man.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Okay, this was a surprise. It turns out that God’s favorite movie, in the history of the medium, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He doesn’t even like it ironically; he actually thinks it’s good. I asked him if he had ever seen the comparisons between Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Neon Genesis Evangelionand, I kid you not, God says, “Who do you think came up with that first?” Admittedly, when God first said that Paul Blart: Mall Cop was his favorite movie, I doubted his taste in film for the briefest moment, but oh God, did God prove me wrong. The dude is absorbing cinema at a whole different level. I mean, this is the same guy who came up with mountains and diamonds and fish, of course He knows what He’s talking about. I should never have doubted God, and now I know that when I die from COVID-19, God will be gaining another little film bro in heaven.
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