You Know How to Look Tough

Joe Biden is always trying to challenge you to push up contests or saying he would “beat the hell” out of you, but you don’t engage with that nonsense. You know that it’s not important for a leader to be tough as long as you look tough. That’s why you avoid protesters like the plague. In 2018 you canceled your London trip amid protests there, and more recently, you authorized the use of violent force to disperse peaceful demonstrators so you could have a photo-op in front of a church.

Whether it’s because you don’t want to be seen as having less than absolute control over the unruly crowds, or just because you pee a little bit whenever you’re around political activism (probably that), we all owe you a debt of gratitude for avoiding any confrontation or engagement with the mass protests against police brutality that are taking place throughout our country right now—why engage when you can just use more police brutality to avoid them altogether?! It’s the only way for you to maintain that all-important facade of toughness that makes you undeniably the most respected current president of the United States. And now that you’ve surrounded the White House with two miles of barricade—#BuildThatWall—we never have to worry about press cameras catching sight of a faint stain spreading out from the crotch of your pants.

You Know Who the Real Enemy Is

Earlier this year FBI director Christopher Wray announced that racist domestic violence was being prioritized just as much as foreign terror threats. On one level that could be seen as a sign that white supremacy is a major problem in the US, and that perpetrators of deadly hate crimes should be labeled terrorists, but you know better—obviously, since you’re both very stable and a genius. If we start labeling white people as terrorists, then it will just make it harder to keep stoking fears about Islam, bad hombres, and other brown people problems.

Besides, if white men can be bad guys too, then that could include you! And as we all know, an attack against you is an attack against all good, patriotic Americans. Therefore the real enemy is anyone trying to aggressively call out and push back against white supremacy and white nationalism. That’s why you want to designate antifa a terrorist organization. Who cares that they aren’t even an organization at all—it’s just an ethos of publicly and aggressively confronting fascism and related ideologies. And who cares if there’s no way to single out anti-fascist activism from wider, constitutionally protected protests like the Black Lives Matter movement?

Treating people who oppose you as terrorists will free you up to unleash state violence, surveillance, and travel restrictions. Besides, we already have a hyper-militarized police force, which has worked out great—apart from a few “bad apples” (who seem to operate with impunity for some reason, right up until there’s a mass uprising). So put “your military” to work and crack down on all of them with the full force of martial law! Or, as you put it, “Dominate the streets.” Keep interrogating protesters about their political beliefs, and if enough of them end up too scared or too imprisoned or too dead to keep opposing you, you won’t even have to take away their voting rights (although, we should look into that) to be a shoe-in for reelection!

You Know that Free Speech Is Not as Important as Guns

In your recent announcement that you were “mobilizing all available federal resources, civilian and military, to stop the rioting and looting,” you said you were doing so “to protect the rights of law-abiding Americans, including your second amendment rights.” It was the only amendment you mentioned, and you even gave it some extra emphasis as though encouraging “law-abiding Americans” to exercise their gun rights in the face of rioting—because gun-toting Trump supporters to mass demonstrations of institutional racism and white supremacy will…calm things down?

We don’t have to fully understand you to appreciate the fact that you skipped over that pesky first amendment—with the free speech and right to assemble that could get in the way of your military dominating the streets—and got to the important one. Maybe the “innocent” man you touted in your speech—who chased after people in Dallas while wielding a machete—wouldn’t have been “savagely beaten,” if he’d been wielding a gun instead. Besides, everyone knows that the only real enemies of free speech are private companies who call you out for “glorifying violence.” As long as the American people retain the right to retweet you with impunity, they have all the free speech they need, and they should stay inside and protest in ways that don’t disrupt established order or do anything to upset the status quo (because no one has the right to make you pee a little bit).

You Value the Economy

Every president knows that the maintaining the economy is important, but as a business man—with that eagle-eyed focus on short term growth that has led several of your businesses into bankruptcy—you’ve made it clear that you value the economy more than anything else. Whether it’s the thousands of lives that will be lost to the COVID-19 pandemic as we “reopen the economy” or the dismantling of environmental regulations that were getting in the way of cost-saving pollution, you don’t let anything get in the way of a quick economic boost. You know that what’s good for major industries today will be good for the American economy…also today.

Who cares about tomorrow?! We’re having a hard time right now, and people want to hear about how you’ve reduced unemployment, not about 110,000 dead Americans or the necessity of police reform in the wake of George Floyd’s murder at the hands of a police officer. You can commemorate World Environment Day by opening up ocean conservation areas to commercial fishing. Have ocean fish populations been cut in half over the last 50 years? Sure, but that means we have at least another decade or two before the total collapse of marine ecosystems, and by then it will be some other jerk’s problem!

You Could Probably Cure COVID-19 if You Really Wanted

Thanks to the fact that you have your priorities in order, and are purely focused on the economy, you haven’t worried too much about all this pandemic nonsense—by, for example, providing adequate testing or not stealing vital PPE and ventilators from the states. You did try to get Americans exclusive access to a potential vaccine—which would really stick it to all those jerks dying in other countries—but that didn’t pan out, so you’ll probably just have to until the economy’s sorted out so you can come up with a cure yourself.

After all, you have “one of the highest” IQs, “a very good brain”, and “natural ability” for medical science. It only took you a matter of moments and the most superficial level of thought to come up with a brilliant new avenue for research—injecting disinfectant into people’s bodies—so you can probably have this whole thing sorted out in a day or two once you get around to it.