All too often, when a celebrity’s head gets too big for their own good, their inflated brain decides they have what it takes to have a music career.
Technically, they’re right––the only thing anyone actually needs to produce an album is cold, hard cash. But all the money in the world can’t buy musical talent, which is why pretty much every celebrity album is screaming ear cancer. Come delight in making fun of people who are so wealthy that they fail to realize they have zero musical ability. These celebrity songs are truly the worst of the worst:
Jeremy Renner – Heaven Don’t Have a Name
If anyone ever had a fever dream where Hawkeye from the Avengers sang a ripoff of Imagine Dragons’ “Radioactive” that was somehow worse than “Radioactive,” we’re sorry to inform them that their nightmare has become a reality.
Heaven Don’t Have a Namewww.youtube.com
Brie Larson – She Said
Brie Larson’s horrendous attempt at an Avril impression features inspired lyrics like “La dee da, la dee dee,” along with a really poor Napoleon Dynamite impersonator in the music video.
Brie Larson – She Said (Radio Edit)www.youtube.com
Lindsay Lohan – Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)
While “daddy issues” may be a sexist trope at this point, it’s hard to describe Lindsay Lohan’s music as indicative of anything else. “Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father)” is less a “song” and more a “desperate cry for help.”
Lindsay Lohan – Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father)www.youtube.com
Paris Hilton – Nothing In This World
Based on sound alone, Paris Hilton’s Nothing In This World is honestly pretty generic pop. But this music video…just wow. It’s about a little, toad-faced, creeper kid who gets straight up abused at school and then goes home to spy on his hot adult neighbor (Paris Hilton, of course) while she undresses. Then she grinds on him a bunch in her underwear. This is horrifying because he’s like 13-year-old, max.
Paris Hilton – Nothing In This Worldwww.youtube.com
Bruce Willis – Respect Yourself
“Respect Yourself” is kind of like Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” except instead of being sung by one of the most talented vocalists to ever live, it’s sung by action star Bruce Willis and also has kind of weird religious undertones.
Respect Yourself ~ Bruce Williswww.youtube.com
Steven Seagal – Girl It’s Alright
Steven Seagal has been hit with multiple accusations of sexual assault over the years, and this song is not helping his case at all.
Stiven Seagal “Girl it’s alright”www.youtube.com
Gwyneth Paltrow – Country Strong
If Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Country Strong” were revealed to be a parody of country music that she made solely because she despises poor people and anything that might interest them, it would be easy to believe.
Gwyneth Paltrow – Country Strongwww.youtube.com
Heidi Montag – Blackout
Heidi Montag writhing around a pool in a bikini while shouting crappy, off-key, bubblegum pop directly into a camera is somehow the pinnacle of both blandness and grossness at the same time.
Heidi Montag – Blackout (Official Video)www.youtube.com
Robert Downey Jr. – Man Like Me
To Robert Downey Jr.’s credit, these vocals are raw, untouched by fancy audio effects that might possibly make his voice anything close to listenable. Because truly, his vocals are unlistenable. This is homeless man singing on the subway bad.
Robert Downey Jr. sings “Man like Me”www.youtube.com
Hulk Hogan – I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac
Okay, now this is epic. Hulk Hogan’s “I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac” transcends the good-bad binary. It is a portal to another era, a simpler time when maybe someone really did want to be a “Hulkamaniac” but wasn’t sure how to make that dream a reality. Luckily, Hulk Hugan was there to talk-rap instructions, encouraging listeners to take vitamins, say no to drugs, and have fun with family and friends. This actually might be the best celebrity song ever.
Hulk Hogan- I Want to Be a Hulkamaniacwww.youtube.com
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