Okay let’s just start off by saying that I do unironically enjoy Love Island.I love the chaos, the characters, and shameless self-promotion. Every season, two people on average fall in love while the rest compete for screen time to land brand deals. Isn’t all drama better served in a British accent?

While The Bachelorreigned in my childhood, it certainly dwindled in popularity over the years. Riddled with recent scandals, I thought they would cancel it entirely. However, the recent popularity of Gerry Turner in The Golden Bachelor launched us back in the rose ceremony swing.

So, here I am, watching another insufferable television show for the sake of my readers. And what’s better than a little live-action commentary?

Here is everything I thought while watching The Bachelor.

This year’s Bachelor is Joey Graziadei, hailing from Royersford, PA. Apparently he’s the bee’s knees. Personally, my ideal man won’t simultaneously date 30 other women, but whatever — I can only hope he’s an Eagles fan.

@annashellabella Girls r down bad tonight #boston #postgrad #girlsnight #thebachelor ♬ original sound – smiski

We begin this episode with the lovely group date, which is wedding-themed. The girls are dressed to the nines in wedding gowns, and only one of them is going to fake marry Joey. This will go swimmingly, I’m sure. I can’t imagine anything more torturous than putting women who all share a boyfriend in wedding dresses.

[8:21]

Oh my goodness, they’re making them play musical chairs and already we have a girl launching herself, linebacker-style, across the table to get into a seat. The only thing holding her back was her dress. Seriously, NFL agents, you’re missing out if you don’t sign Evalin.

[17:20]

Now we have a cheesy, yet eloquent speech from Rachel, who is an ICU nurse. She also gets to dance with Joey. The camera people, ready to instigate drama, keep zooming in on the other brides who are mentally murdering her as she leans in for the kiss.

Seriously, they keep kissing in front of everyone. I don’t know what I expected. I am surprised Evalin isn’t throwing herself over the table by now…I would be.

[20:50]

I need to be honest: at this point in the episode, I still don’t know anyone’s name. All of these girls could be named Jess and Lauren and I’d believe you. I’m trying, but I grow weary with every minute.

I’ve learned that one-on-one time during a group date is the equivalent of a Hail Mary in football. You’ve got about 10 seconds left on the clock, you need to do something borderline insane to win the prize (Joey). If you’re not sharing your sob story, you’re going in for the kiss.

And Joey always has the right thing to say, doesn’t he? Either he’s the best person ever or he’s been programmed by AI technology by ABC. I wouldn’t be shocked by either.

[22:13]

Maria sitting Joey down, “changing into something more comfortable”, and going in for the kiss is awesome. Joey is living the American dream right now.

[36:37]

@daisyykent I didnt know what i expected but taking it all in as the show goes on & remebering to be kind to myself. Bc we can be our biggest critic #thebachelor #bachelornation #realitytv ♬ original sound – Daisy Kent

Now, we have the one-on-one with Daisy, where they get to go to a pseudo-music festival and dance onstage in front of the crowd. The best part is when they have to act like they know a single song by these artists. Give me “Things I Could Never Do In Front Of A Large Crowd” for 100, please.

[50:54]

In potentially the busiest episode in Bachelor history, there is a second group date. How is Joey not exhausted and, also, does he really know their names yet? More torture, the women have to compete in bootcamp and a paint battle. At least they got to see Joey shirtless for like one unnecessary second.

This show has me questioning the things I’d do to find love. But then again, I’d probably run through a paint battle course for Harry Styles.

[1:06:30]

Inevitably, a bunch of women of any age shouldn’t live in the same house together and date the same man. Drama is bound to ensue. According to some women, Madina (first time hearing her name) thinks Maria made ageist comments against her…this totally won’t come up before the dreaded Rose Ceremony.

[1:07:00]

….And there it is. They’re all fighting the most ridiculous battle: did Maria call Madina an old hag who will never be loved by Joey or not?! Even Maria says this is dumb. I agree. I think everyone’s just bored at this point…including myself?

In the midst of it all, Lauren (who is here with her sister, no comment), declares she is leaving and she does not want to even speak to Joey because she’s in a bad mood. Poor Joey is apologizing for anything he’s done…and she’s throwing a fit because the cake she ordered was not red velvet? Wait, I need her gone, I’m getting anxious.

[1:20:00]

Honestly, everyone has gotten really invested in the matter of one episode. This is my level of delusion as well, so I can’t even judge them. Joey even says this is the first week of dating and we have girls clawing up the walls already.

To quote Madina, “This has been, like, emotionally taxing with everything that’s going on,”…I need a glass of wine after this.

via GIPHY