It’s time we face a major collective failing: we’ve taken well-groomed male pop stars for granted.

We naively thought— no, assumed — given the amount they appear in the public eye, they would continue to occasionally wash their hair and brush their teeth, perhaps even put minor effort into the maintenance of a personal style. When Harry Styles started wearing those weird headbands, we just sat back and took it. When Drake donned your grandma’s pajama top, we did not take action. Perhaps we thought Queer Eye could save us, that we would live to see a future in which the French tuck is common knowledge. But that future never came to pass. Our fate only grew darker. Now, we’ve been punished for our gross negligence:

While Post Malone’s “I have no mother, I sprung from a pool of grease in an Arby’s parking lot” vibe may appeal to some, his influence is spreading, and even the once adorable have begun to look like the average clientele of a Midwestern 7/11. For example, it’s with sadness and remorse that we remember the shining bowl cut and sweet baby face of 2010 Justin Bieber, who now looks like a suburban drug dealer. All we’re left with are questions. Did we not cherish him enough? Did we not comment with the heart eyes emoji on enough of his Instagrams? Why does he grow facial hair like a 12 year old embarrassed by his early puberty? IS THIS SELENA GOMEZ’S FAULT?!

It was with trepidation and dread that we clicked a headline this morning that read, “Justin Bieber Got a Face Tattoo!” With tears in our eyes, we considered the possibility that J Beebs has been fully, irrevocably…Maloned. Luckily, as we looked further into the inflammatory claim, we learned that the reported face tattoo is above his left eyebrow, and it’s so small that there is controversy over whether it exists at all.

Tattoo artist Bang Bang told Page Six TV that Bieber and girlfriend Hailey Baldwin secretly got couples’ tattoos, and Bieber’s is on his face. “They each got a tattoo,” Bang Bang/Keith said. “Justin’s tattoo is on his face, and I haven’t seen any photos of it — so he’s doing a good job of laying low…It’s really thin and delicate. And [it’s] also not a traditional couples’ tattoo…I don’t want to give away what it is until press [sic] gets a hold of it.”

While we have to respect a man who was christened Keith and then proceeded to lead such an un-Keith-like life as to be able to unabashedly go by Bang Bang, we do wonder what Keith/Bang Bang was thinking when he tattooed words that are too small to actually read. More importantly, what was Bieber thinking? Is it a choose your own adventure kind of couples’ tattoo, meaning Baldwin can decide what romantic thing she wants it to say each day? Or is it so small so that no one except Bieber will know it exists or what it says, raising the question, why get the tattoo at all? Couldn’t you just pretend you have a face tattoo and save yourself the needle to the forehead? Regardless of the motivation, we’re relieved that the rat-tail of this generation, the face tattoo, hasn’t significantly marred Bieber’s once-appealing face.

However, despite this small victory, the war against the Malone effect is still raging. If we don’t rally together soon, face tattoos and all that come with them will only become more and more pervasive. Maybe it’ll be Shawn Mendez with a beer belly, or Ed Sheeran performing in heather grey sweatpants, or Niall Horan with…facial hair. To prevent this dark future, we urge you to speak out now…before it’s too late.

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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