I’m not supposed to be saying this.

I’m not really sure I’m supposed to be saying anything at all. Because the truth is… I’m a straight white man.

I know it’s shocking. I’ll probably be fired before I can finish typing this sentence. A straight white male being paid to voice his opinions in the year of our lord 2021 — and saying shit like “year of our lord” as if it weren’t bad enough already.

It’s hard to believe that can even still happen in this day and age, but it’s only because I’ve spent the past year-and-a-half living a lie. I’ve been telling my bosses that I’m actually an otherkin living in a pansexual wolf-pack-style polycule. If they had known the truth from the beginning, that I’m no less a deviant than a standard, cishet white human male in my 30s with no discernible disabilities or notable disadvantages — and zero lupine proclivities to speak of — would they ever have allowed me a byline?

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I’m even in a monogamous, government-licensed straight-marriage with a woman! I’m sure you can see why I kept this a secret, but I can no longer live as the Rachel Dolezal of the wolfkin world.

I’m not part wolf — not even a little bit. All those times I crouched down to sniff the seat of someone’s pants, I wasn’t gleaning information about their diet and pheromones. As far as my pathetic human nose was concerned, all those butts just smelled like ass.

Still, I kept up the ruse to conceal the truth of my actual, shameful identity — I’m sorry you had to find out like this, Mom and Dad. I thought that the only way I could live a normal life was to hide who I am. But no longer — Joe Rogan has set me free.

In a conversation with comedian and fellow straight white man Joe List on the latest episode of The Joe Rogan Experience — the private, secret podcast which seems to have been accidentally released, once again, to an audience of millions — Rogan spoke out about the subjugation and secret torment that straight white men live under in modern-day America.

The conversation — which, even behind closed doors, let alone accidentally shared with millions, would normally have been off-limits for two straight white Joe’s — started off with Rogan bravely sharing his carefully considered thoughts about how there hasn’t been a great new comedy movie in years and the possibility that “they” have made the threat of “being canceled,” so palpable that “comedy movies are no longer something you can do.”

Specifically, Rogan was concerned that “edgy” comedy — like the scene in Step Brothers where Will Ferrell rubs his balls on John C. Reilly’s drum set — may be a thing of the past. When List then reminded Rogan of Borat Subsequent Moviefilm — which came out last year and featured a scene in which an elaborate menstrual-blood dance was performed for the attendees of a fancy debutante ball — Rogan was unphased, noting that, Sacha Baron Cohen had “figured out a loophole.”

The topic then turned to a conversation List said he’d heard on a different, unnamed podcast, where another straight white man was discussing how he’d learned that even self-deprecating humor comes from a place of privilege. The conclusion, according to List, was that “straight white men shouldn’t really try to be funny.”

Rogan, displaying the kind of cleverness that the world will sorely miss once straight white men are eliminated, asked if the man who said this was “a castrato” — referring to an ancient class of castrated singers prized for their pubescent vocal chords and also to the idea that testicles imbue men with social power. But it was where Rogan took the topic next that really revealed his genius.

While some might simply have rolled their eyes at the thought of someone opining that straight white men should avoid attempts at humor, Rogan correctly identified this single-second-hand anecdote of a stranger saying something stupid as indicative of an irrepressible cultural shift: “It’ll eventually get to ‘straight white men aren’t allowed to talk.’ Because it’s your privilege to express yourself when other people of color have been silenced throughout the years. It will be, ‘You’re not allowed to go outside, because so many people were imprisoned for so many years.”

And when List chuckled at this suggestion, Rogan clarified, “I’m not joking. It really will get there — it’s so crazy.”

And it’s a good thing that he wasn’t joking, both because straight white men should never and also because the topic couldn’t be more serious. Straight white males are quickly becoming an oppressed class in America.

Just look at how we were disenfranchised in the 2020 election! Despite 58% of white men voting for Donald Trump in 2020, the rest of the country ganged up on us to kick him out of office — putting a real sour note on the election of Joe Biden, America’s 45th straight-white-male president — almost a perfect record!

This is the kind of stuff that keeps happening to us lately, and we don’t have the experience to handle it! Sure, you can talk about the “white privilege” of generational wealth and disproportionate policing, or the way men are generally protected from prosecution for sexual assault. But what about the privilege of self-awareness?

We’re like those kids born without immune systems, who need to be sealed in plastic bubbles. We’ve been sheltered from criticism and from consequences for so long that our systems don’t know how to take it.

What are we supposed to do? Do we lash out violently, or do we retreat from society entirely and never leave our homes? Those are literally the only two options I can imagine.

Jake Gyllenhaal predicted all of this years ago!

Suddenly people are just allowed to call out racism, sexism, queerphobia, or abusive behavior. And we have to be the victims of those call-outs, just because we’ve held all the power in society for centuries.

You might think that we could avoid getting ourselves in trouble by just considering other people’s perspectives and approaching delicate social dynamics carefully — as everyone who’s not a straight white man has had to do literally forever. Well, guess what? We don’t know how to deal with that, and you can’t make us learn!

As Joe Rogan put it, “You shouldn’t have to take into account all the other people that are either not heard or not expressing themselves currently, or not in the same, you know, whatever category as you. Like, come on, man. We can’t do that.”

Cancel culture has gone crazy! And because our society doesn’t allow straight white men like Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Ben Shapiro, Steven Crowder, Jordan Peterson, Glenn Beck, and about 85% of congressional Republicans to share their views, it’s up to Joe Rogan to speak the truth. And now that he has, I finally feel able to be out and proud as a straight white man.

Thanks to Joe Rogan — who probably didn’t even know that anyone was going to hear his private thoughts — I no longer have to pretend to be interested in smelling your anal scent glands. I can finally hold my head high and say, “I’m a straight white man, and I deserve a safe space where no one criticizes me for my opinions!”