The 2019 Hellboy reboot was a colossal, $50 million failure. From the script, the story, and the pacing to the special effects, tone, and acting, this movie manages to be terrible in almost every conceivable way.
But let’s be fair: it did get some things right. They surely used an expensive camera to shoot the movie, and you can tell because you couldn’t see any pixels on the screen. The actors memorized all their lines, and from the looks of it, they fit into their outfits really well. David Harbour, who plays the titular Hellboy, looks very well-fed, so the craft-service situation on set must have been A+. It’s nice to know that Milla Jovovich is still able to find work after the Resident Evil series prematurely ended. Her dead, vacant eyes lend themselves perfectly to the role of the Evil Bad Lady #2. Plus, Daniel Dae Kim is hot, so the producers were smart to get him shirtless within the first hour of screen time. We can all be thankful for that. And Sasha Lane was there too! Is she the first clairvoyant millennial with dreadlocks to fight evil in a Hollywood “movie?” Probably. That’s fun.
If you’ve Google’d “Hellboy” at any point recently, you’ve probably read all this. But here are highlights from five of the most reputable news sources with their take on this shit-pile of a film:
Roger Ebert
– You will never realize how much you need Guillermo del Toro in your life until you see the reboot of “Hellboy.”
– “Hellboy” stops being fun when it stops being funny
The New York Times
– …”Hellboy” is a crack pipe of a movie.
– Marshall… directs like a dog at a squirrel convention,
Washington Post
– At one point, Hellboy and his colleagues must fight zombies bursting out of the ground. The actors seem to realize this scene is just filler…
– (Harbour’s) dramatic scenes fall curiously flat, and his comic one-liners inspire little more than stony silence.
NBC News
– The new, inexcusable Hellboy movie, was directed — if that’s the word I want — by Neil Marshall, whose terrific horror flick “The Descent” suggested that he might be up to the job of making a fun and scary Hellboy movie. He was not.
– “Hellboy” is not even really a movie; it’s a launchpad for five different movies that will never get made because no one wants to watch a launchpad for five different movies when they’ve paid to watch this movie.
The Atlantic
– The end result is an R-rated slog that’s heavy on bad attitude and creative dismemberments, and completely missing the humane core of Mignola’s original story.
– …this film ends up perfectly laying out the case against its own existence.
Ahmed Ashour is a media writer, tech enthusiast, and college student. He has a Twitter: @aahsure
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