I have apologized for this article. Please see my full statement here.
Every December since 1927, TIME‘s Person of the Year award has recognized the most influential person (or group of people) on the global stage.
Its ranks include almost every sitting US president since the award’s inception, alongside world leaders, business moguls, and activists. The magazine does not necessarily endorse every winner––sometimes their pick for most influential person (i.e. Adolf Hitler in 1938 and Joseph Stalin in 1939) reflects the destructive ends of global influence. But regardless, for most recipients, especially those in the activism space, the award is viewed as an honor––and in 2019, it most certainly is.
Time‘s 2019 Person of the Year is Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate change activist who has traveled the world speaking to politicians, leading protests, and urging everyone to stop turning a blind eye to the myriad ways that humans are destroying the planet.
But even though 97% of climate scientists agree that global warming and climate change are both real and caused by humans, right-wing lunatics (read: very angry white men) hate Greta Thunberg, because…?
Much of their adult hatred directed towards a child dedicating her life to trying to making the world sustainable for future generations stems from the fact that they are, in reality, literal babies trapped in hairy, pale, man-bodies. But their main reason is the fact that their God-King (they’re too stupid to understand how elected public officials are supposed to work), Donald Trump, hates her, too.
So because Donald Trump doesn’t believe in climate change (putting his stupid ass in disagreement with his own government’s science divisions), his even stupider supporters don’t either. Now they’re real mad on Twitter over Greta Thunberg being TIME‘s Person of the Year, so they’re sh*tting their diapers for all to see. It’s great. Let’s meet some of the lowest-performing white men in the world up close and personal.
Oh, who’s this angry white boy trying to compare Greta Thunberg to Hitler? Why, it’s “Count Dankula,” the Scottish YouTuber best known for teaching his dog to perform a Nazi salute gesture and respond positively when asked, “Do you wanna gas the Jews?” Apparently it was couched in typical alt-right “just a joke” bullsh*t, but Dankula, whose real name is Mark Meechan, later joined the right-wing populist UK Independence Party (UKIP) alongside frequent milkshake enthusiast Carl Benjamin, so…yeah, really funny! All that being said, when Meechan equates Thunberg to Hitler, he might be trying to give her a compliment.
Here we have Exhibit B: An angry boomer Trump stan/far-right stooge named Bill Mitchell who earned his blue checkmark by hosting a less successful online version of Alex Jones’ show. While his opinions might only be relevant to people with actual brain damage, he does have a particular knack for defrauding his followers out of money. Which is to say that yes, at the very least he follows the right-wing ideals of preying on stupid people and attacking children.
Lastly, we arrive at the poster boy of white male mediocrity: Donald Trump Jr.––a man so talentless that he needed his daddy’s friends to buy up his book, a man so pathetic he got absolutely slaughtered on The View, and a man so self-unaware that he’ll probably go his entire life without ever realizing that if his dad wasn’t rich, he’d be just another schlub.
There’s a reason pathetic white men spend so much of their time crying about the accomplishments of better, more useful people on Twitter. Because at the end of the day, they’re absolutely worthless, and deep down they know it.
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