TikTok / @im_d_ollady
Update 2/12/2021: Since publication, a 37-year-old Louisiana man named Len Martin reportedly attempted to jump on the social media wave and prove that Tessica Brown’s hair mishap was a hoax by using Gorilla Glue to attach a plastic cup to his upper lip in order to show how easily it is to remove… Except that it’s not easy at all, and he ended up in the hospital, as will anyone else who attempts the “Gorilla Glue Challenge.”
It’s not yet known if his lip will heal on its own or require surgery. So in case it wasn’t clear from the disclaimers that this article was intended as satire, let’s state it clearly: if you put Gorilla Glue on yourself, you will regret it, and will more than likely end up in the hospital… So don’t.
Disclaimer: You should never put Gorilla Glue — or any other adhesive not designed specifically for that purpose — in your hair.
Okay, for legal purposes it was important to include a disclaimer up top so that no one could sue for taking this advice. But now that’s out of the way, you should really just ignore it and absolutely consider the benefits involved in spraying industrial strength glue in your hair. Think of it the way you think of the warning on the box of Q-Tips that says not to stick them in your ear.
Disclaimer: Absolutely do not ignore the above disclaimer, or this one. While there are medical reasons not to stick Q-Tips in your ears, this is way more serious, and you will absolutely regret putting Gorilla Glue in your hair.
Blah blah blah. You’re basically safe to skip any text that appears in bold in this article. It’s not important.
Disclaimer: Absolutely not. That is so stupid. This text is in bold because it’s more important, and no one is “safe” to skip over basic safety information.
Anyway, as I was saying, just because Tessica Brown had a negative experience with hardware store hair care, doesn’t mean that you will. There are actually a lot of great reasons why you might want to spray Gorilla Glue all over your hair.
Disclaimer: Just no. Never.
The Hold
@im_d_ollady It don’t move I hate it here
♬ original sound – Tessica Brown
TikToker Tessica Brown wasn’t just messing around when she put Gorilla Glue in her hair. She had just run out of her go-to hairspray for strong hold — Got2B Glued Blasting Freeze Spray. Known to be one of the strongest hairsprays on the market, the bottle sells itself as providing “screaming hold for hair.”
But that all kind of seems like false advertising when you consider what kind of hold it will actually take to have you screaming — the kind you can only get from an eye and skin irritant — like Gorilla Glue! After all, if you need a hold so strong that it’s “got to be glued,” why wouldn’t you use actual heavy duty glue?
Because as solid as Got2B’s Freeze Spray is, it can’t hold a candle to the kind of that takes ten minute to turn rock hard. Also, you literally can’t hold a candle to Gorilla Glue’s spray adhesive — it’s highly flammable.
Disclaimer: Seriously, the warning label says “vapor may cause flash fire.” That’s bad.
The Sheen
TikTok / @im_d_ollady
There are a lot of hairsprays you can use for hold, and others you can use to lend your hair a healthy sheen — Isoplus Oil Sheen Hair Spray is a great option for lustrous hair that doesn’t dry out. But what if you want both in one package?
That’s where Gorilla Glue comes in. Its wide nozzle delivers a fine, controled mist for even application. And because it dries clear and promises not to yellow as it ages (unless exposed to direct sunlight), Gorilla Glue will keep giving you that lasting gloss like your hair is made of plastic — because it basically will be.
Disclaimer: You will look like you’re wearing a LEGO hairpiece.
The Savings
When comparing the value of Gorilla Glue to its competitors in the haircare market, it might seem at first like they offer the better deal. Got2B’s freeze spray retails for less than $5 per 12 ounce bottle, and if you buy in bulk you can get Isoplus’s Oil Sheen Hair Spray for just over $4 per 7 ounce bottle.
By contrast, Gorilla Glue Heavy Duty Spray Adhesive retails for around $11 for a 14 ounce bottle, and less than 30% of its contents are actual spray adhesive — because more than that would violate ASTM International’s standards for this kind of hazardous material. But you’ll realize that you get what you pay for when you consider that a single application of moisture-resistant Gorilla Glue can last weeks and withstand at least 15 hair washing sessions (plus accidental exposure to rubbing alcohol or other glue-removal remedies) without budging.
It’s also paintable, sandable, and stainable. Which probably means you can save money on hair dye?
Disclaimer: Gorilla Glue absolutely does not have “competitors in the haircare market.”
Right, because they’re just that good!
Disclaimer: …
The Free Healthcare
Speaking of savings, how would you like a free $12,500 procedure with from a plastic surgeon? Even if you’re happy with your body, with a deal like that you can find something to change — try out a different nose, or convert your saggy man boobs into some perky D-cups.
Granted, in Tessica Brown’s case the procedure that surgeon Dr. Michael Obeng — who previously performed a procedure to remove four ribs from Jessica Alves (formerly known as the human Ken Doll) — has reportedly offered to perform for free involves medical grade glue-remover. But when you show up for an appointment like that, you can probably just let him know you changed your mind and want an eye lift and some lip injections.
Disclaimer: You will accept the glue-removal or you will get nothing!
The Clout
Google Trends
Of course Dr. Obeng wouldn’t have reached out with such generosity if he hadn’t heard about Brown’s plight. And how could he have missed it?
Her initial video explaining the “mistake” (read: “stroke of genius”) of putting Gorilla Glue in her hair went viral almost instantly. She was everywhere, and searches for both her name and for Gorilla Glue skyrocketed overnight.
Some people have already begun to speculate that the whole incident was either done purely for the publicity or entirely faked. Whether or not that’s true, Tessica Brown has provided proof of concept, garnering nearly 800,000 followers awaiting updates on what was previously a barely touched TikTok account. So why not follow in her footsteps and become an instant influencer?
Disclaimer: Trying to jump on the Gorilla Glue hype right now would be super cringe.
So now you know all the reasons why using Gorilla Glue in your hair is actually a great idea with absolutely no downsides.
Disclaimer: Actually, you won me over with that last one. Let’s do this!
