Whether I’m texting my friend Stacy–who has “all this pent up energy” since COVID-19 discontinued our improv classes–or talking to my girlfriend, one thing is clear: Nobody wants to have sex.

I initially believed this might just be a personal issue. Perhaps I was no longer a desirable mate due to the 43 pounds I’d put on since quarantine began in the US.

To get answers, I set out to conduct a survey of my current girlfriend, Becca, and four previous sex partners regarding their sexual preferences. The results? 100% claimed to have enjoyed sex with men “much bigger” than me. Still, Becca stated she hasn’t felt satisfied “for a long time” in spite of my recent growth.

The Trump Rump Slump

Realizing the issue was far more complex and widespread than I thought, I decided to consult real sex experts.

In October 2016, Laura Beck published a study in Cosmopolitan Magazine: “I Haven’t Had Sex in Weeks. I Blame Donald Trump.” Beck theorized her libido “never stood a chance” against anxiety due to the presidential election and “disgust” with then presidential candidate, Donald Trump.

“On one hand, the thought of being touched by my husband, a man, after spending day upon never-ending day listening to Donald Trump’s sexually assaultive language, is not a pleasant one. On the other, we are both so obsessed with the election that our combined anxiety is killing our sex drives.” – Laura Beck, 2016

The solution, Beck’s study concluded, was to make sure Donald J. Trump was never elected president. “On Nov. 9, I’ll know I did my part, and then I’m gonna take a vacation and get so laid,” she wrote.

The problem? Opponent Hillary Clinton won by only 3 million votes, making Donald Trump the 45th President of the United States.

Could America’s swelling sex deficit really be traced all the way back to 2016? I reflected on my personal experiences of the past four years.

2016-2020 meditations on dating

Although high school and college and professional life were never very sexually active times for me, 2016 had started off promising.

In March of that year, I nearly completed a two month certificate program at Scratch DJ Academy in New York City. My downstairs neighbors had adopted a corgi and allowed me to take inexpensive photos with her for profile pictures on dating apps.

Even better, I bumped into my college roommate’s ex-girlfriend, Stacy, at Strand Book Store on September 11th. As it turned out, Stacy loves music and dogs! She had to run and catch a train but told me I should swing by UCB sometime to see her improv group perform. Three weeks later, I was a student.

Then election season came and everything changed.

It felt like darkness had swept the country. The tension was palpable and it wasn’t at all sexual. Sure, I had improv to cheer me up, but audiences couldn’t even laugh at my performances because they were so depressed.

I too was depressed and my dating life was the first casualty. I tried talking to Stacy about it, which helped. She assured me that I was a really good friend and that I was going to find the right person one day. She saw me like one of her brothers, which was nice to hear at a time when women’s distrust in most men was at an all time high.

Banging Across the Aisle

Dating, however, was increasingly difficult due to the political division in the US. One Pew Research Center study noted that “about seven-in-ten (71%)” of Democrats “definitely would not consider” dating someone that voted for Trump in 2016.

Luckily this did not apply to my way of thinking. Yes, I’m a registered Democrat, but I love sex more than I hate Trump. Surely conservatives, who often criticize liberals for being too close-minded and sensitive, would be open to a little donkey-play.

Unfortunately, that same study found that “roughly half of single-and-looking Republicans and Republican leaners (47%) say they probably or definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who voted for Hillary Clinton, including 19% who say they definitely would not consider it.”

It was as if fewer and fewer people wanted to have sex with me by the day.

I felt hopeless, but lo and behold, Stacy was right all along. In February of 2018, I began dating Becca, a Libertarian, and for two years we were okay as could be. She made me a more patient man, and I made her a sick “Individuals’ Rights” mix she could listen to when she would go camping with her guy friends.

But by early 2020, things went from pretty okay to not okay.

COVID-19 and the New Age of Consent?

On January 20, 2020, only one week after I quit my day job to pursue DJing full time, the US reported its first confirmed case of COVID-19. Less than two months later, New York City had its first confirmed cases. By April, the city was on lockdown under strict “stay at home” orders.

All the festivals on my vision board were postponed indefinitely and money was tight. My landlord Henry was always a real stickler for people paying rent, and the Coronavirus recession provided no exception. Eventually, Becca agreed it would be tolerable for us both if I moved in with her.

Before the pandemic, sex was infrequent in our relationship. After the first couple weeks of dating, Becca got really into camping and was usually too sore from her trips to make love. Similarly, all my energy was going into my mixtapes. Now that we were both stuck home together without the things we care about, you’d think it would be sex o’clock 24/7. Well, you’d be wrong.

For a moment I thought maybe there was something wrong in our relationship. I began stress eating, which I washed down with stress drinking, which led to hangovers that I constantly needed to stress-sleep off. 43 pounds later, I found out Becca and I were not alone.

In September, the American Family Survey, an annual, nationwide study of 3,000 Americans by the Deseret News and the Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy at Brigham Young University, published their findings about couples’ behavior in 2020:

• Spouses or partners talked about political or social issues more, an increase of 6 percentage points in the last year and 12 points since 2015.
• They had sex less often, a 5-point drop from last year and 10 points since 2015.
• And they discussed their relationships less, declining 4 points since 2019 and 11 points since 2015.

The last point really hit home for me. Becca never wants to talk about our relationship or even acknowledge it publicly.

So what can we do to reverse this destructive trend?

“Stimulus Package”

2020 US Presidential Election results so far prove there is an unprecedented ideological division right now in our nation. Our political differences and economic anxieties are inflamed daily with toxic rhetoric that demonizes fellow citizens. In the end, both sides are left feeling alienated

However, if we get out of our tweets and into our sheets, we can fill our great divide.

Scratch DJ Academy taught me many things about leadership that can be applied to our current situation. In fact, in many ways, DJing a party is the exact same thing as being the leader of a large and diverse country.

A great DJ brings all people together, regardless of their political affiliations or musical beliefs.

A great DJ knows that while a room should never be silent, it should be filled with sounds of ecstasy and dance, not talking.

Finally, a great DJ knows, that deep down, everyone at the party truly just wants to get laid by the end of the night.

So, by the power nearly vested in me by the West Village chapter of Scratch DJ Academy in the Commonwealth of New York, I urge everyone: stop talking over each other and start moaning under each other. Tune out politics and get back to what really matters.

If everyone is a little bi, then there is no reason everyone can’t be a little bipartisan.

Don’t let a pervert like Donald Trump, who famously said he would like to date his own daughter, turn you off of sex forever. Today’s red and blue states can conceive the purple love children on which our nation’s future depends.

United at the climax of 2020, let’s say goodbye to Donald Trump, and give a new meaning to “neighbor against neighbor.” 😉