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BILLIE EILISH IS OFFICIALLY CANCELED (at Least According to Lunatics on Twitter)

Dan K Dan K

06 Dec, 19

BILLIE EILISH IS OFFICIALLY CANCELED (at Least According to Lunatics on Twitter)

This just in from lunatic Twitter: Billie Eilish is officially canceled.

“Why?” you might ask. After all, Billie Eilish is 17-years-old and not particularly controversial, so why would any sane person want to cancel her on Twitter?

First of all, how dare you. Never question the outrage of a Twitter mob.

Secondly, Billie Eilish literally said the word “Yikes” during an interview in response to the interviewer mentioning Lady Gaga’s meat dress. Can you f*cking believe that? Let me repeat that. Billie Eilish––a 17-year-old vegan––said “Yikes” in regards to a person wearing a dress made out of actual animal meat.

So you better believe Lady Gaga stans are putting their cancel pants on. They got #BillieEilishCancelParty trending on Twitter, so that means Billie Eilish is totally, officially, verifiably canceled––at least by a group of crazy people on Twitter who think being vegan is a good reason to try to destroy a 17-year-old girl.

But there’s more to the story, because while people on Twitter scream at one another over whether or not Billie Eilish should be canceled (she shouldn’t, obviously, jfc), our planet is dying.

According to a recent study that “takes a comprehensive look at all the global climate models published from the 1970s to 2007, including the models used in the first three reports by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change,” the climate models for global warming and its detrimental effects have been mostly accurate the entire time.

This means that when experts say that the effects of global warming are compounding––fires, floods, heat waves, the ice caps melting––they’re not just talking out their asses. More importantly, when scientists say that our window of opportunity to change the future is growing smaller and smaller, and will require increasingly drastic measures the later we decide to finally implement global change, anyone who is not an actual Bond villain should sit the f*ck down and listen.

“It’s more urgent than ever to proceed with mitigation,” said Petteri Taalas, Secretary General of the World Meteorological Organization. “The only solution is to get rid of fossil fuels in power production, industry and transportation.”

On top of doing everything in our power to reduce our own carbon footprints, we need to demand that our governments move towards clean energy solutions if we want to even have a chance of leaving a habitable planet behind for our grandchildren. At this point, valuing capitalist interests over the future of our planet and the lives of future generations is akin to genuine evil.

If Donald Trump quits the Paris Climate Agreement, Americans need to put their selfish interests aside and march out in the street en masse to such an extent that everything shuts down until our government complies with the rest of the world.

F*cking birds are getting smaller. Entire species of wildlife are diminishing because we can’t get our sh*t under control. Do you honestly think we’re going to fare better when the climate irreversibly goes to hell? The only upside is that if humans can’t band together and act decisively against climate change, if the whole world really does eventually become uninhabitable due to our own evil interests, then humans will go extinct and we will have definitively proven our species deserved it.

But please, keep Tweeting about how Billie Eilish should be canceled.

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