Fulltime faux lifestyle guru and part time actor, Ashton Kutcher, shared his phone number on Twitter Tuesday in order to have a “real connection with real people.” Only possible from a person as far removed from the unwashed masses as Ashton Kutcher is, the now deleted tweet read, “I miss having a real connection w/ real people. My Community. From now on you can just text me. I won’t be able to respond to everyone but at least we can be real w/ each other & I can share the unedited latest & greatest in my world +1 (319) 519-0576 Yes this is my #” The tweet also featured a GIF of Kutcher, saying, “You are the fabric of who we are, and we love you!”

While the tweet made it seem like you’d hear back from the actor directly, fans soon found their texts were answered with an automatic message.

The desire for connection is a normal one, but seeking it through the murky depths of social media seems a little like searching for love at an understaffed DMV. While Kutcher’s combined naivete and self-importance is oddly endearing, we can only imagine the rancorous and bizarre messages the 40 year old has received since Tuesday. If you’ve yet to take this rare opportunity to message The Ranch star (that show still on?), we recommend giving it a go. He literally asked for it. Here are a few conversation starters to help you initiate a life-long friendship.

1. What inspired you to become an actor?
2. What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?
3. What advice do you have for an aspiring artist?
4. If you weren’t an actor, what would you want to be?
5. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
6. Are you okay?
7. If you stab a camel’s hump, do you think it deflates like a popped water balloon?
8. Do you want to come over and watch Jeopardy?
9. Is Iowa real?
10. Did the tightness of your pants in that 70’s show affect your ability to reproduce?
11. Any tips for cleaning out a neti pot?
12. Let’s make a secret handshake, you start.
13. What superpower would you have?
14. Need anything from the store?
15. Did you ever play lacrosse or is that just how you look?
16. Are you as nervous as I am?
17. Would you rather have “Young Girl” by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap playing in your head 24/7 or give Ted Cruz a bath once?
18. What’s your favorite color?
19. Can I talk to Demi?
20. Do you regret Two & a Half Men as much as you should?
21. Could you come pick me up at school?
22. Remember punk’d? Jeez.
23. Do you wake up every morning and thank your face for your career?
24. Could you take a look at this rash for me? Sending picture now.
25. I’m sending my extensive community theatre resume.
26. Do you and Mila ever roleplay as Kelso and Jackie? Haha just kidding. No but seriously my wife and I do, any tips?
27. Are you a dog or cat person?

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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