Aquaman, the latest movie from the DC universe, will splash into theatres on December 21st. Reviews for the big-budget superhero flick include, “a complete bellyflop,” “Aquaman Stinks Like Last Month’s Fish,” and “Oceanic DC superhero epic will float your boat.” So far, only two things are clear: this film is really bad and journalists can’t resist an easy water-related pun. We don’t care about either point. If we’re being honest with ourselves, Aquaman was never going to be a piece of cinematic art. We bought presale tickets hoping the movie would be a two-hour long wet t-shirt contest feat. Jason Momoa’s pecs. We want some flowing wet hair, some real tight merman leggings, and at least a cumulative half-hour of intense, furrowed eyebrows. If at any point he wrestles or befriends a shark whilst shirtless, we’re ready to declare Aquaman the best movie ever made.

Below is our comprehensive, analytical, plot-based list of the reasons we’ll be first in line to see DC’s Aquaman.

Aquaman – Official Trailer 1 – Now Playing In Theaterswww.youtube.com

Those blonde tips, those “I better never get an old man body cause these really won’t age well” tattoos, that SMIRK. Oh my Poseidon.

YES! We like our men moist. We like them unreasonably muscular. We like them appearing to making a plumbing disaster significantly worse!

Those arm fins can’t possibly be conducive to faster swimming but look at that SNARL!

Is this movie just Khal Drogo taking a shower and gazing at the camera menacingly for 2 hours? Can someone make that movie?

Yes, outfit change. Yes, genius hot dog roasting device. Yes, colored contacts.

We’re changing our official Popdust Instagram handle to “Jason Momoa’s Eyebrow Scar.”.

Does it look like he got that necklace at the natural history museum gift shop? Yes. Is he pulling it off? Yes. We don’t blame that shark for wanting to take a bite.

Well, folks, the reviews are in. We haven’t seen Aquaman yet, but we’re pretty sure it’s this generation’s Citizen Kane.

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn-based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her Twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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