Warning: This article contains graphic discussions of childhood sexual abuse.

Mythbusters host Adam Savage is a harmless goofball. Mythbusters host Adam Savage raped his sister.

Is it even possible for both of these statements to be true?

The former is too deeply embedded in my head for me to really doubt it after nearly two decades of watching Adam Savage build impressive and absurd toys, costumes, and machines—charmed by his gleeful enthusiasm for nerd culture and the build process. The latter is based on credible allegations that his sister, Miranda Pacchiana, has put forth in a new lawsuit made possible by New York’s Child Victims Act.

Previously, a survivor of childhood sexual assault in New York had a maximum of five years after they turned 18 in which to file a civil suit seeking damages for the trauma they experienced. Sadly it often takes survivors decades to come to terms with the abuse they experienced and to feel able to confront their abusers.

With that in mind, the old time limit was obviously inadequate, which is why the New York legislature passed the Child Victims Act, which was signed into law by Governor Andrew Cuomo last February. The act extended the statute of limitations to allow civil suits to be filed at any time before the survivors turn 55, as well as offering a grace period—recently extended to August of 2021—for those whose cases had previously passed the statute of limitations.

This has allowed Miranda Pacchiana, 50, to file suit against her brother for alleged sexual abuse that took place when they were growing up in the Sleepy Hollow area of upstate New York between 1976 and 1979.

Pachiana was 7 years old when her older brother Adam—who would have been about 9—allegedly began a routine of sexual assault in the form of a game. Refering to himself as “the raping blob,” Savage would reportedly trap Pacchiana in her bed and anally violate her. According to the lawsuit filed in late June of 2020, this behavior continued for three years and took Pacchiana decades to process as she struggled with depression and anxiety.

But the real pain, according to Pacchiana—now a social worker who has spent years running a website about families hiding and denying sexual abuse—comes from her family’s preference to ignore the issue, which she first brought to their attention in the late 90s.

Healing and Recovering from Sexual Abusewww.youtube.com

On her website Pacchiana alleges that her family “believed me–-but … seemed determined to brush my trauma under the rug,” adding, “I came to realize they viewed me as the problem for focusing on the abuse. Not the brother who had abused me.”

Since that time Pacchiana has become estranged from her family. And the denials that both Adam Savage and their mother, Karen Savage, have issued in response to the lawsuit will no doubt serve only to deepen the family divide.

In his response, Savage asserted that his sister has “relentlessly and falsely attacked me and other members of my family to anyone who will listen … spreading numerous untrue stories about us in pursuit of a financial bonanza.”

Meanwhile their mother, Karen Savage—a licensed psychotherapist “with experience in the study of sexual abuse”—may have actually violated HIPAA regulations and Pacchiana’s privacy rights by publicly responding, “It makes me very sad to say this, but my daughter suffers from severe mental health challenges, and it’s devastating that she’s putting Adam and our entire family through this. Adam is a good man, and I support him completely.”

Ordinarily under these circumstances I would have no reservations about siding with the accuser and would unequivocally condemn efforts to paint her as greedy or crazy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come forward and expose this kind of trauma—especially when it involves a prominent public figure—and far too often survivors’s accounts are discredited on the grounds that they struggle with the mental health issues that resulted directly from their trauma.

If that’s how you’re feeling right now, good. You’re not wrong. My own perspective is tainted by the fact that I’ve spent dozens, if not hundreds, of hours watching Adam Savage on Mythbusters and YouTube being such a silly and gentle person that I instinctively want to find flaws in Pacchiana’s account of events.

I’m not an Adam Savage superfan—I’ve probably watched five of his YouTube videos in the last year—but there was a time in my life when Mythbusters was among my favorite shows. And even when I found Savage’s frenetic, goofy energy grating, I empathized with him. He was always such a friendly, irrepressible nerd, and on some level I just agree with his mother’s statement that “Adam is a good man.”

Miranda Pacchiana—no matter how credible she seems to me—is someone I’d never heard of before today. I have no established opinion of her and no emotional investment in my perception of her. I am deeply biased toward doubting her.

For many people this was the feeling around Bill Cosby—whose stand-up comedy and sitcom role were foundational and beloved by millions—when his history of predatory sexual behavior was first gaining attention.

There remains some resistance to believing the women he abused, but the repeating pattern of their stories has gone a long way toward getting people to accept that “America’s dad” had hidden monstrous behavior behind respectability politics. But what if he had only hurt one woman over and over. Would he have gotten away with it?

Adam Savage is hardly the icon that Bill Cosby was, but for me he remains a touchstone, so when I read Pacchiana’s allegations—without a clear corroborating pattern to point to—I immediately think, “Well, even their mother says she’s wrong… ” (even though Pacchiana’s own writing offers insights into why families bury these secrets).

I wonder about the fragility of childhood memories—which research has shown can be pretty easily altered and augmented. Could there have been some cruel childhood game that morphed in a fragile memory into sexual abuse? Did Pacchiana remember the abuse all along, or did she recover memories using the same fallible methods that led to the “Satanic Panic” of the 1980s?

And what about Adam Savage. Even if he did do these awful things to his sister, does he even remember them? Are they hazy now like a bad dream? And can he even be held accountable for what he did before he had a concept of the lifelong trauma he was causing?

Research suggests that most child sex offenders eventually develop a sense of empathy and become functional, non-predatory adults. So it’s entirely possible that he is exactly the gentle, goofy nerd I believe him to be—and also the older brother who raped his sister when they were kids.

What isn’t possible—if I’m still going to believe that he’s a good man—is that he played the “raping blob” game for three years, remembers what he did (or even thinks it might have happened), and refuses to acknowledge the tremendous pain he caused his sister.

If he is denying her account, attacking her motives and claiming that she has “tortured our entire family and estranged herself from all of us” in order to protect his good-guy reputation and his career, then that reputation is bullsh**. If that’s what’s happening, then it doesn’t matter how nice he is to his fans or how fun his energy seems—he’s just another toxic nerd.

Right now, looking at the writing Pacchiana has done on her experience, she looks increasingly credible, and the tactics that Savage, his mother, and my own biased brain have been using to discredit her look increasingly weak.

But I’m going to have to keep reading, because I can’t be objective right now, and I don’t want to be yet another man letting my privilege and biases blind me to the trauma of yet another survivor.