Take a licking and keep on ticking?

The NHL has penalties for almost every scrap of unsportsmanlike conduct imaginable. From tripping to instigating, the rulebook covers it all, and one would think that after 101 years, referees would be done seeing surprises. Enter Brad Marchand, a small, strange, little Canadian man who happens to play left wing for the Boston Bruins.

Marchand has been known in the past for being a weaselly player, snagging several suspensions throughout his career. Some of these suspensions were for spearing. Some were for clipping. But now, Marchand is making headlines for entirely new reason: he won’t stop licking his opponents. Yes, you read that correctly. Slightly reminiscent of Lance Stephenson blowing on Lebron James, Brad Marchand has been getting up close and personal with his opponents this postseason.

How did this all begin? Well, back during the regular season during a game with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Leo Komarov was shadowing Marchand all night, and playing pretty great defense. Brad Marchand had nothing. It was then, during a break in the action, that the winger hatched an idea. He leaned in really close, and gave Komarov a kiss on the cheek. The Bruins lost that game 4-1. It’s unclear what exactly Marchand was trying to accomplish but here’s a .gif:

Still, while this season’s antics began back in November, this was just the first time Marchand successfully placed his mouth on an opponent during a game. Back in 2016, he tried a similar move on Patrick Eaves, and before this he had a history of kissing his own teammates in celebration.

Heading into the playoffs this year, Marchand, possibly compelled by a desire to step up kis game, left the kissing behind in exchange for licking, taking his game from PG-13 to R-rated in the process. His first victim? Leo Komarov, during Boston’s first playoff game. If this was where it ended, one could easily assume it was the logical conclusion of the Komarov-Marchand saga. Unfortunately, Marchand’s behavior continued into the second round of the playoff against the Tampa Bay Lightning when Marchand dragged his tongue across Ryan Callahan’s face.

On Saturday, the NHL issued a statement about Marchand’s behavior, and Vice President of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell was forced to meet with Marchand and detail how further displays of aggression (I guess?) will be dealt with, likely outlining fines and suspension protocols. After the incident, Ryan Callahan compared licking to spitting in an opponent’s face and said that Marchand should be fined accordingly. Some sports writers have even gone as far saying that Marchand’s behavior makes a mockery of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

These responses seem like a bit of an overreaction. Marchand’s goal was clearly to get under his opponent’s skin by any means necessary, and he probably took it one step too far. That said, it’s been hilarious watching him do this during the Stanley Cup Playoffs, one of the most intense tournaments in modern sports. Since the Bruins lost yesterday, Marchand will have the offseason to meditate on his actions, and to consider whether or not licking people is a viable option in the 2018/19 season. Licking one’s opponents adds nothing, nor takes nothing away from the game. It’s just super weird, and sort of uncomfortable to watch.

Matt Clibanoff is a writer and editor based in New York City who covers music, politics, sports and pop culture. His editorial work can be found in Inked Magazine, PopDust, The Liberty Project, and All Things Go. His fiction has been published in Forth Magazine. — Find Matt at his website and on Twitter: @mattclibanoff

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