CULTURE
Steven Mnuchin Can Give Greta Thunberg Life Advice After He Becomes Human
23 Jan, 20
United States Treasury Secretary and noted lizard-person Steven Mnuchin was confronted about Greta Thunberg’s policy proposals at the World Economic Forum in Davos this week.
Thunberg was in attendance at the event, advocating for divestment from fossil fuels as a minimal necessary measure to prevent a global climatic cataclysm, admonishing the all-powerful attendees to “act as if you loved your children above all else.” Mnuchin, like all reptilians, can sense infrared radiation using pit organs above his mouth, but he has no capacity for love. So when a reporter sought Mnuchin’s perspective on the financial ramifications of not destroying the planet, Mnuchin deflected the question, preferring to offer misguided life advice while his nictitating membranes—the translucent extra eyelids that protect his retinas from adverse conditions—slid across his eyes.
“Is she the chief economist, or who is she? I’m confused,” the secretary said, snatching a fly out of the air with one flick of his agile tongue before continuing, “After she goes and studies economics in college she can come back and explain that to us.” Mnuchin, of course, studied human economics at Yale, where he was a member of the famous lizard-person club Skull and Bones. After graduating, he proved his economic expertise by executive producing 2016’s Collateral Beauty, but prior to his time at Yale he would have been unfamiliar with human society—having spent most of that early period inside a leathery egg beneath the heat lamp that ensured he would hatch as a male. Thus he may not realize that young humans like Thunberg are cognizant of the world around them and the ways in which their future is being pillaged.
Further adding to the disconnect is the fact that Mnuchin is cold-blooded, meaning his activity level is subject to the ambient temperature. Given that Davos, Switzerland is cold this time of year, his thinking was likely too slow to provide a proper response. If he’d been allowed half an hour to sprawl out on a heat rock before answering questions, then he might have pointed out that avoiding a sharp spike in global temperature is not really in his best interest. While rubbing up against a brick wall to assist in the process of sloughing off his outermost layer of skin, he would probably have mentioned that he prefers a warm climate.
This might come across as heartless, but Mnuchin’s lizard brain is not really capable of empathy, so expecting him to care about the billions of people who will suffer as a result of catastrophic climate change is not really fair. Fortunately, there are scientists studying the possibility of transplanting a new brain into an existing skull. If that technology ever progresses to the point where Mnuchin could actually become human, he might then have some basis to offer Greta Thunberg life advice. Until then, he should probably stick to having a single cloacal opening to handle both waste excretion and sexual reproduction.
To her credit, Thunberg seems to understand Mnuchin’s limitations and offered him this sensitive and informative response on Twitter: “My gap year ends in August, but it doesn’t take a college degree in economics to realise that our remaining 1,5° carbon budget and ongoing fossil fuel subsidies and investments don’t add up… So either you tell us how to achieve this mitigation or explain to future generations and those already affected by the climate emergency why we should abandon our climate commitments.”
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