The Full Breakdown of 2020 Candidates Dancing

CULTURE

The Full Breakdown of the 2020 Candidates’ Dance Moves

08 Jan, 20

The Full Breakdown of the 2020 Candidates’ Dance Moves — Photo by Georgia-de Lotz Unsplash

With less than a month left until the Iowa caucuses officially kick off primary season, it seems like we’ve spent the last decade slowly whittling away at an endless list of candidates.

Many voters have already seen their favorite contenders drop out of the race. Others have yet to figure out which person on a crowded debate stage best represents their interests. Obviously, there are a number of axes on which you can compare the candidates, and countless articles that can help you navigate their differing economic policies, their stances on health care, or their various approaches to foreign policy. If those are the factors by which you judge a candidate, you should have no problem finding what you need to make up your mind. People like me are not so lucky.

Obama dancing with Ellen Degeneres

I have always been a single-issue voter—consistently casting my ballot for the best dancer. In 2008 and 2012, I had an easy time of it. Barack Obama’s blend of smooth and corny dance moves struck a perfect balance for my sensibilities, easily winning out over Mitt Romney’s “Gangnam Style” convulsions, or John McCain’s high-intensity robot. 2016 presented a more difficult choice. I nearly didn’t vote at all, but ultimately decided that Hillary Clinton’s stiff Whip and Nae Nae represented the lesser of two evils when considered against Donald Trump’s apocalyptic rendition of “Hotline Bling.”

Trump dance SNL SNL

Sadly, some 60 million voters didn’t see what I saw and made the wrong call. I won’t let that happen again. The American people deserve to see every candidate dance before they go to the polls. Until the DNC finally listens to wisdom and converts one of their debates to a dance-off, I’ve compiled this list so that you can make an informed decision.

Cory Booker

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker hasn’t done much dancing lately, but we can look back at his record as Mayor of Newark to see where he stands on the issue of Salsa dancing. As in politics, Booker is competent, but not dazzling.

Pete Buttigieg

Does Mayor of South Bend, Pete Buttigieg, dance at all? His campaign has a now-infamous official dance to the song “High Hopes,” but I’ve been unable to uncover any evidence of Pete participating. His youth and energy are vaguely suggestive of someone with dance moves, but as long as his actual record remains cloaked in shadows, many voters will be hesitant to support him. Until that time, the above simulation is the best we can do. What are you hiding, Mayor Pete?!

Michael Bloomberg

Is Michael Bloomberg actually running for president, or is he just trying to spoil everyone’s fun? His dancing with Lady Gaga at 2011’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve suggests the latter.

Tom Steyer

Who?

Michael Bennet

Michael Bennett is a defensive lineman in the NFL. As far as I can tell, the rumors that he’s running for president are completely baseless, but based on his moves… maybe he should.