President-Elect Donald Trump makes a proud gesture during his speech at a "Thank You" Tour rally held at the Giant Center

Photo by: Evan El-Amin / Shutterstock

In response to the flagship Evangelical Christian magazine, Christianity Today, publishing a post-impeachment rebuke of Donald Trump and a call for his removal from office, Donald Trump bafflingly responded by bashing E.T., the beloved Steven Spielberg movie, which he also thinks is a book for some reason.

"I won't be reading ET again!" tweeted the impeached president, his brain likely mid-hemorrhage.

But if Donald Trump is under the impression that E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is against him, that begs the question: What other movies does Donald Trump think are out to get him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom



Donald Trump has heard rumblings of a Jewish coup in Indiana, and while he hasn't been able to lock down the source yet, he has his top men on the case. Here's what the Trump administration has uncovered so far:

1. There is a Jewish man with the surname Jones somewhere in Indiana. Jones is not a traditional Jewish surname, which Trump finds suspicious.

2. Jews are untrustworthy and so are their temples, which Trump's sources have informed him are also called "synagogues." Creepy.

3. Jones is affiliated with a Jewish temple which will bring about "Doom," a concept that Mike Pence frequently references. Mike Pence is also from Indiana. Coincidence? Trump thinks not.

4. Jews love money, so they must love Trump. But white supremacists are also very fine people, and Jews are probably not white. Could this be Jones' reason for starting his Temple of Doom in Indiana? What terrors does Jones have in store for Mike Pence and the good Christian folk of Indiana? Jewish trickery, no doubt.

Back to the Future



Back to the Future and "Make America Great Again" basically mean the same thing, or at least that's what Donald Trump thinks. What liberal trickery is behind this blatant attempt to steal his campaign slogan? Donald Trump isn't sure, but he has top men working on the case. Their discoveries are as follows:

1. There is an old man who built a time machine. Jew?
2. Michael J. Fox is in cahoots with this old man. Michael J. Fox is confirmed to be Jewish. This has deep state written all over. Must investigate further. Also, Michael J. Fox has become younger somehow?
3. Michael J. Fox and the old (Jewish?) man keep referring to Trump as Biff Tannen. Donald Trump has assumed many aliases to lie about himself, but never Biff Tannen. Could Biff Tannen be a new Donald Trump alias from the future?

4. It seems likely that the democrats have funded illegal Jew technology to both make Michael J. Fox younger and convince Donald Trump to change his name to Biff Tannen in the future. Biff Tannen is a pretty cool name, but there's a missing puzzle piece here. Could this possibly be related to Jones from Indiana?

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi



Those damn Hollywood Jew liberals are behind the coup. Donald Trump knew it all along, but this is the proof he needed. It's right there in writing, clear as day: Star Wars. The Hollywood stars are planning to wage a war against the Trump administration, and they were stupid enough to put it out on billboards. But what is this Return of the Jedi gobbledygook all about? Donald Trump can't figure it out, but he has top men on the case. Their investigation has proven fruitful thus far, revealing:

1. A cabal of Jewish liberal Hollywood stars are prepping for a literal war against Donald Trump.
2. Their leader is a young Michael J. Fox. It is unclear how Michael J. Fox has aged backwards, but there is photographic evidence. Where did the Jews obtain this technology, and how can it be reclaimed for Americans?

3. The Hollywood elites are operating out of a secret Jewish temple, or "synagogue," based in Indiana.

4. Jedi might be a misspelling? Hollywood liberals are dumb. Could it be...Jeb?

5. Is Jeb Bush involved? This is all starting to make sense.

6. Okay, the Hollywood liberals, lead by young Michael J. Fox, are stockpiling Jew technology at a temple in Indiana. Their goal is to resurrect Jeb Bush's failed presidential campaign, except with a better slogan than "JEB!" which is why they're trying to copy MAGA. They're probably also planning to make him younger, just like they did with Michael J. Fox. They also plan to convince Donald Trump to adopt the moniker "Biff Tannen," but to what end is still unknown. Their ultimate goal is clearly the doom of America, so we'll need to ask Mike Pence more about what that might entail. He's always quoting a book about it, so maybe he can be our secret weapon. Further investigation is required, but this is definitely shaping up to be the greatest scandal in America history, perhaps even more dangerous to our way of life than Sicario 2.
CULTURE

Lori Loughlin Pleads Not Guilty: Thought She Was “Breaking Rules, not Laws"

In the latest development with the college admissions cheating scandal, a source reports that the former 'Full House' star feels "manipulated."

CJ GUNTHER/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

Lori Loughlin and her husband Massimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to all charges –– conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, honest services mail and wire fraud, and conspiracy to commit money laundering –– in the scandal surrounding the college admissions scam.

The couple was accused of paying $500,000 to get their daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella, into USC as crew recruitments, despite the fact that neither of them participates in the sport.

A source close to Loughlin told ET, "[Lori and her husband] claim they were under the impression they might be breaking rules, but not laws," and that "they feel they were manipulated by those involved and are planning that as part of their defense."

After the initial charges, Loughlin and Giannulli were indicted on a second charge of conspiring to commit fraud and money laundering on April 9th, on top of the initial charge of conspiracy to commit mail fraud. The second charge came after Loughlin did not accept the plea bargain that would have allowed for a minimum two and a half year sentence and no additional money laundering charges. People reported on a source close to Loughlin who stated that at the time of rejecting the plea deal, she "didn't really realize how serious the charges were."

If convicted, Loughlin and Giannulli could serve up to 20 years in prison for each charge, totaling a maximum of 40 years. According to TMZ, the couple faces a minimum time of four years and nine months.

Another source toldE! News, "Lori really believes she isn't guilty and that any parent would have done the same thing that she did if they were in that position."

Up until the second indictment, Loughlin was apparently under the impression that she would not be going to jail and instead expected a "slap on the wrist," according to ET. Now that the new charges are raised, things are looking far more dire.

One source toldPeople: "[The prosecutors] are saying that the only way anyone's going to escape jail time is if they go to trial and are found not guilty."

It goes to show that trusting a con man running a fake charity to get your daughters into college is not the best move.


Sara is a music and culture writer who lives in Brooklyn. Her work has previously appeared in PAPER magazine and Stereogum.


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