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CULTURE

COVID-19 Marketing Emails Are the Newest Form of Art

You must be very concerned about what your favorite companies are doing during this global crisis.

Michael Förtsch via Unsplash

For most Americans, the COVID-19 pandemic has turned life as we know it upside down.

From school and restaurant closures to quarantines and social distancing, the American people are largely waking up to the fragility of our social systems. But for corporations, and especially marketing professionals, a new art form has emerged from amidst the chaos—the COVID-19 e-mail.

The COVID-19 e-mail, as an ideological concept, is quite simple. If major corporations are your friends, as American culture has attempted to establish time and time again, it follows that you must be very concerned about what they're doing during this global crisis. Sure, you might be a bit worried about how to feed your children when your paychecks aren't coming in and the schools are closed, but how could you sleep at night without knowing that Chipotle is safe? And yes, while it sucks that your grandpa might die without you even being able to enter his room for fear of spreading the virus to others, imagine how much more it would suck if GameStop didn't let you know what they were up to during these perilous times?

But fear not. All of your favorite corporations are right there in your e-mail inbox, detailing exactly what they're doing to prevent the coronavirus from spreading (short of shutting down while continuing to properly pay their employees).

Chipotle

While many Chipotle employees were upset that Chipotle was continuing to disregard sick leave laws even after the pandemic had already reached New York, Chipotle kindly assured us that their protocols were already "industry-leading." So even though it's scary that your significant other is coming down with an awful cough, hopefully knowing that Chipotle already supplied Purell sanitizer to their employees can take a hefty weight off your shoulders.

chipotle covid 19

GameStop

As an asthmatic, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that learning about GameStop's newly assembled "internal COVID-19 taskforce dedicated solely to this issue" is like aloe to the lingering burn of realizing that my compromised immune system makes dying a whole lot more likely. There's only so much that we can do to protect ourselves, so it's comforting to know that GameStop's "taskforce" is watching over everyone.

gamestop covid 19

TurboTax

As Benjamin Franklin once said, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." Indeed, this deadly pandemic has arrived in the middle of tax season, so it makes sense that many of us have been waiting on pins and needles to hear from our good pal TurboTax. Happily, they are continuing to "closely monitor, assess and respond to this situation" and, by all accounts, are planning to stay functional as a business with products that exist entirely online. I was upset enough about my brother being homeless after his out-of-state college dorm closed down, so it's great to know that at least TurboTax has their sh*t together.

turbotax covid 19

Free People

Even while we're socially isolated, it's incredibly important for us to maintain our sense of community. After all, we're still a social species. Sadly, many of our human friends have been too ill or preoccupied with their lives falling apart to spend hours chatting online. There are few feelings quite as painful as wishing you could help the people you care about but knowing that doing so very well might make everything a whole lot worse. Free People understands this. "Whether you have questions about a pending order or shipment, where to find a coveted dress, or are simply looking for someone to talk to, we are always here for you," they promise. I hope that none of my loved ones die during all of this, but if they do, I'm genuinely grateful to know that Free People is there for me.

free people covid 19

Sephora

There's no reason that being stuck alone in your apartment needs to mean that you can't go all out. That said, if you want to keep your make-up supply stocked through an indefinite period of isolation, you're going to need to hit up Sephora while you still can. Yes, logically a company whose store model revolves around sampling shared display make-up should probably stop that practice for the good of literally everybody at the first sign of a global pandemic. But that's why Sephora wants you to know that they are "cleaning all display testers with disinfectant multiple times per day and replacing as needed." Who would Sephora be if not your fun, trendy friend who lives life on the wild side. If looking good means spreading just a little bit of coronavirus, so be it.

sephora covid 19

Schmackary's

Personal story: One time before human society started imploding, my girlfriend and I were walking around New York City and had a sudden craving for cookies. A quick Yelp search directed us to a nearby cookie shop called Schmackary's. While checking out, I entered my e-mail for their reward point system or something, thinking that if the cookies were good, I might come back at some point. I do live in New York, after all. In truth, I don't crave cookies often and, in time, I forgot about Schmackary's. But that's the thing about long lost friends; even after years, they were still a part of your life, and sometimes it's nice to have the peace of mind that, while the sky falls down around you, an old friend is doing okay. Even as I run out of food and worry about paying my rent, even as my loved ones fall ill around me, even as paranoia sets in, my heart is filled with joy thinking about how Schmackary's is going "above and beyond in order keep our bakery safe and clean."

schmackarys covid 19

Satire

How Long Before Arnold Schwarzenegger Eats His Pet Horse and Donkey?

Whiskey and Lulu were featured in a recent video in which the former governor encouraged Californians to forget about restaurants

Photo by Annika Treial on Unsplash

On Sunday night, Arnold Schwartzenegger shared a video on Twitter demonstrating how to properly execute social distancing.

He pleaded with his fellow Californians to remain home during the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, reminding them that people over the age of 65 are encouraged to stay home and saying, "We don't go out, we don't go to restaurants, we don't do anything like that anymore here. We just eat with Whiskey and with Lulu. We have a good time, we get entertained."

Whiskey and Lulu are his two beloved pets who feature in the video as they eat from his hands. Presumably, Schwarzenegger expects other Californians to follow his model and remain "sane" with the help of entertainment provided by pets and loved ones. In his case, however, those pets seem to provide more of a diversion than your cat—even if you remembered to hoard a lifetime supply of laser pointers. Nothing quite so ordinary would do for the former California governor. No, the pets he is currently sharing his home with are a miniature pony (Whiskey) and the tiny donkey (Lulu) that he puts in headlocks while laughing maniacally—a knife block visible over his head, as if it appeared in a thought bubble. When Whiskey tries to break Arnold's hold, the star of Last Action Hero admonishes her by saying, "No biting. You've got to get along," but how long will that rule protect them from his ravenous appetite as quarantine-madness takes hold?

You're probably familiar with the phenomenon that can arise in situations like this. As isolation eats away at people's sense of reality, cravings for food that they can no longer have begin to take hold. Soon an individual begins to picture their companions as giant slabs of talking (or neighing) meat. With those thoughts making Arnold's mouth water, how long will it be before he attacks Whiskey and Lulu with a frying pan or a giant wooden mallet? How long will it be until twittering birds are flying circles around their heads while lumps suddenly swell through their manes? How long before their spirits are ascending to heaven on newly-sprouted wings, playing tiny harps?

Spongebob Patrick Cologne

It may be hard to imagine that the man who played the gruff but soft-hearted hero in Kindergarten Cop would ever resort to eating his pets—after all, his usual diet has been "99% vegan" for a while now. But those habits are a lot easier to maintain when Southern California is functioning as its usual mecca for vegan and vegetarian cuisine. As Arnold says in the video, "Forget about all that." When all those fancy plant-based restaurants close shop for the Coronavirus crisis, will he maintain his composure, or will Whiskey and Lulu join the 1%? What happens when he's spent a week subsisting on the same carrots and oats that his adorable, vulnerable pets enjoy so much? He may find himself missing the taste of Beyond Burgers. Or maybe he'll remember his childhood in Austria and the melt-in-your mouth savor of Pferdeleberkäse—a popular horsemeat pâté. And if he's craving something from Chipotle, will he perhaps recall that "burrito" is just the Spanish word for a little donkey?

At this point you probably think this seems like a bit much. Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the cold-hearted villain he portrayed as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin. Nor is he a barbarian, like the one he played in Conan the Barbarian. And Whiskey and Lulu have been his regular companions for some time now. Last year he posted a series of videos in which he biked alongside Whiskey as part of a morning fitness routine. Then in February of this year the Internet delighted at the sight of him bringing both Whiskey and Lulu into work. They are comfortable going anywhere with him. They happily eat carrots out of his hand and only struggle a little when he wraps his sagging yet powerful 72-year-old biceps around their necks…

Mr. Freeze

There is a term in the jargon of nature survivalists known as "stocking the fridge" that involves sharing your food with wild animals so that, when lean times come, you will have a ready source of unsuspecting meat. Whiskey and Lulu will never see the end coming. As the quarantine continues with no clear end in sight, how long will it be until Arnold begins to see Whiskey and Lulu no longer as essential members of the family, but as Expendables? There's no way to be certain, but if you find yourself in quarantine, picturing your cat as a rotisserie chicken, shake the image from your head and say a little prayer for Whiskey and Lulu.