MUSIC

The 7 Most Annoying Christmas Songs Everyone Actually Hates

Nobody actually like Christmas music and you can't convince me otherwise.

Photo by: little plant / Unsplash

Honestly, I don't think anybody actually likes Christmas songs.

The only person I could imagine maybe, possibly, sincerely enjoying Christmas songs is a grandparent who paradoxically claims to love their grandchild but also believes that global warming isn't real, and let's be honest, that demographic doesn't need to be pandered to outside of Fox News. I'm convinced that, as a culture, we keep playing Christmas songs entirely out of obligation to the capitalist idea of Christmas, antithetical to the enjoyment of literally everyone. This makes going anywhere in December an absolute chore, as Christmas music plays everywhere for the entire month. So to work out some of my undying hatred for holiday music, I've decided to dissect seven of the absolute worst Christmas songs that need to be purged from human history (in no particular order). Yes, this is my own personal War on Christmas.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Jackson 5

Jackson 5 - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Official Lyrics Video)www.youtube.com

Okay, here's a cool song premise: Imagine a child, right? It's Christmas Eve and he creeps downstairs to try to catch a glimpse of Santa Clause, but he gets a whole lot more than he bargained for. Sure, Santa's there, but you know who else is with him? The little boy's mother! And they're snoggin' and they're smoochin' and the little boy stays to watch. Does it get graphic? Oh yes it does. Mommy tickles Santa Clause and the little boy repeats this fact many times, while imagining how funny it would be if his father was also there to catch his mother cheating. He never explains why it would be funny, but one can assume that, on top of getting off on peeping on his mother's sexual escapades, the boy also enjoys the idea of watching his broken father smack her around. Christians will love this.

2. Dominick the Donkey - Lou Monte

Dominick the Donkeywww.youtube.com

I didn't think it was possible for a white person of a particular ethnic background to commit a hate crime against other white people of the same ethnic background, but lo and behold, "Dominick the Donkey" exists. Sung by Lou Monte, an Italian American singer who betrayed his entire heritage in the 1950s and '60s with a series of Italian-themed novelty records, "Dominick the Donkey" is cloying like a commercial jingle, and also very, very racist. The chorus features Lou Monte shouting, "jingity-jing / It's Dominick the Donkey" in an accent that can only be described as a very bad impression of a man flipping a pizza. He also makes "Hee Haw" noises, which is frankly just horrible. I still don't know exactly what "jingity-jing" means, but I wouldn't say it out loud anywhere in Little Italy.

3. Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Timewww.youtube.com

Look, I'm not going to denigrate Paul McCartney's legendary songwriting ability for the purpose of a quip, but holy hell, "Wonderful Christmas Time" is a hollow heap of nothing. How did the same guy who wrote "Let it Be" also write, "Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime / We're simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime?" Who cares what kind of Christmastime you're having, Paul? What about me when I hear your sh*ttiest song a billion times every December? Do you think I'm simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime, you big, talented sell out? Spoiler: I'm not, and it's at least one seventh your fault.

4. Little Drummer Boy - Pentatonix

[Official Video] Little Drummer Boy - Pentatonixwww.youtube.com

I already hate the "Little Drummer Boy" song for literally every reason that anyone could hate anything, but Pentatonix's rendition is particularly egregious. I'm actually having a hard time picturing a worse experience than watching these cheesing weiners sing "Little Drummer Boy" a cappella on a hillside cityscape in what appears to be warm weather. Also, I'm not trying to single anyone out here, but when that dude in the orange beanie with try-hard earrings sings, "Little Baby/ Pa rum pum pum pum," I get the sense that there's some weird baby Jesus fetish stuff going on in his head and I don't like it one bit.

5. Mistletoe - Justin Bieber

YouTubewww.youtube.com

Back before Justin Bieber was VERY Christian, he was just Christian enough to sell little girls on the idea that he'd be waiting to ravage them under the mistletoe while still assuring their parents that he probably wouldn't go past second base. The result was "Mistletoe," a generic early 2010s tween ballad filled with vaguely religious references to "wise men" and "miracles" that take a backseat to Bieber asserting: "I don't wanna miss out on the holiday / But I can't stop staring at your face." I realize that making fun of teen Bieber might be low-hanging fruit, but the notion that this f*cker is going to literally miss an entire holiday because he's too busy staring at my face is ludicrous. I'm a 28-year-old man. What is Justin Bieber hoping to get out of this exchange with me? This is never going to happen. Go back to your family, kiddo.

6. All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You (Official Music Video)www.youtube.com

There are overplayed songs, and then there's Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." To call this song "overplayed" would be doing language a disservice. It's so bad and so frequent that the song gets trapped in your brain long past Christmas, rearing its ugly head in the middle of April to remind you that Mariah Carey is still stalking you. And while it's hard to say whether or not "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is, indeed, reflective of Mariah Carey's own belief system, the premise of a grown woman begging a fictional, obese winter demon to kidnap you to fulfill her weird diaper fetish is...worrisome. After all, what other interpretation could there possibly be for lyrics like this: "Santa won't you bring me / The one I really need / Won't you please bring my baby to me quickly." Get help, Mariah.

7. Last Christmas - Wham!

Wham! - Last Christmas (Official Video)www.youtube.com

As someone who loathes every Christmas song in existence on sheer principle, naturally, I also despise "Last Christmas." Like everything else on this list, it's just another generic holiday earworm tailor-made to milk the grandma market for everything they're worth. I can just imagine a little old biddy with her holiday sweater and her knitting needles cranking up the volume for empty lyrics like, "Now, I know what a fool I've been / But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again."

Wait. That's actually kind of good. I mean, to be honest, I like Wham! a lot, and I'd fight anyone who tries to say that George Michael isn't one of the best singers to have ever lived. But this is a Christmas song, and by design, Christmas songs are frosted dogsh*t. However, I will concede that the underlying synth track is really solid, and listening to it again, I had the inclination to see if anyone turned it into Vaporwave. Sure enough, they did.

Last Christmas - Vaporwavewww.youtube.com

Still, this is a Christmas song, and therefore no good. And yet...

And yet, there's such depth in these lyrics: "A crowded room, friends with tired eyes / I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice."

I can picture myself attending the same Christmas party as George Michael. I'm on one side of the table, he's on the other. I quickly glance over, nonchalant, and he's staring at me with his piercing hazel eyes, his hair perfectly feathered like a mythical bird. My brain flashes in tableau to memories that perhaps never really happened. George Michael and I are rolling in the snow. George Michael and I are sipping hot cocoa by a warm fireplace. George Michael and I accidentally wear matching sweaters to Christmas dinner, but it's okay because we love how similarly the two of us think. Snap to reality. George Michael is still staring. There's pain in those eyes. Someone hurt George Michael. I don't know who, but all I want, with all my soul, is to take his pain away. Yes, George Michael, this Christmas I will take your heart. More importantly, once I have it, I will always protect it. Oh my god, I love "Last Christmas."

Father to Michael, Janet, and the rest of the famed Jackson family, Joe Jackson passed away earlier today at the age of 89 after a battle with pancreatic cancer. As per Entertainment Tonight, "According to (a Jackson family) source, Jackson has been battling the illness for a while now and doctors recently told members of the family that he has limited time to live because the cancer cannot be treated. The Guardian reported that Jackson was "being cared for in a hospital in Las Vegas."

Married to wife Katherine since 1949 and father to seven sons and four daughters, Jackson leaves behind a family legacy that will go down in history as one of the most notorious. From The Jackson 5 – his sons' musical group which he managed (As per CNN, "At the height of their stardom, The Jackson 5 sold millions of records and had their own CBS variety show.") to the creation of his own record label, Ivory Tower International Records, Inc., Jackson was a force in the music industry, bringing a highly-recognizable face to what goes on "behind the scenes."

In a tweet, daughter La Toya wrote, "I will always love you! You gave us strength, you made us one of the most famous families in the world. I am extremely appreciative of that, I will never forget our moments together and how you told me how much you cared. #RIP Joe Jackson."

Jackson leaves behind his wife and children Maureen, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, Marlon, Randy, and Janet. As per People, "Joe was also the father of Joh'Vonnie Jackson, 43, the daughter of Cheryl Terrell, whom he had a 25-year-long affair with." Michael passed in '09 and Jackson also had another son, Brandon, who died shortly after birth.

CNN shared a recent tweet from Jackson from this past Sunday, "I have seen more sunsets than I have left to see. The sun rises when the time comes and whether you like it or not the sun sets when the time comes."

Jackson had been known to be tough on his kids when they were young – CNN reports, "Jackson admitted that he disciplined his children physically but said he had no regrets." That said, daughter Janet was quoted, "My father, my incredible father drove me to be the best I can."

Michael Jackson's estate released a statement after his death: "We are deeply saddened by Mr. Jackson's passing and extend our heartfelt condolences to Mrs. Katherine Jackson and the family," said John Branca and John McClain, co-executors of the estate. "Joe was a strong man who acknowledged his own imperfections and heroically delivered his sons and daughters from the steel mills of Gary, Indiana to worldwide pop superstardom."

Rest in peace and condolences to the Jackson family.


Melissa A. Kay is a New York-based writer, editor, and content strategist. Follow her work on Popdust as well as sites including TopDust, Chase Bank, P&G, Understood.org, The Richest, GearBrain, The Journiest, Bella, TrueSelf, Better Homes & Gardens, AMC Daycare, and more.


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