OH MY GOD.
The Bachelor Juan Pablo showed his true colors last week in Vietnam when he slut-shamed poor Clare after she had sex with him in the ocean even though I am 100% sure it takes at least two people to have sex, which means IT ISN’T CLARE’S FAULT, YOU P.O.S.
Since that little moment last week I have just become disillusioned. The Juan Pablo I thought was sincere, quirky, quiet, and obsessed with his daughter is apparently a big fat LIE. It’s all too obvious.
We are now left to deal with a Juan Pablo who 1) gives wimpy, half-assed apologies, 2) makes out with people under a waterfall and makes noises like “oooo” and “mmm” intermittently like a baby getting breastfed, and 3) is a dick and just sucks. If it wasn’t for the beautiful landscape of New Zealand I would have turned this crap off, but New Zealand is really pretty and I want to see where they go. Also I’ve sort of become a cheerleader for these eight remaining girls, none of which seem to have any idea that JP is fooling them at all. And now: the quotes!
“So for dinner tonight, I have dinner planned… in front of the geyser! I think dinner is gonna blow her mind.”
Who said it: Juan Pablo
Why he said it: Finally, Andi gets her one on one date with JP, and what does Juan Pablo do? Sets up dinner on a bench in front of a geyser, and makes this bad pun.
“Looking back it was crazy, to feel the heat of the earth, bubbling through the water.”
Who said it: Andi the Assistant District Attorney (turned part time poet apparently)
Why she said it: She had to say something about the geyser, didn’t she?
“The mist of water just flying at our faces is… so unexpected, and so unideal.”
Who said it: Andi again
Why she said it: The geyser is getting out of hand, and beginning to erupt, thus ruining Andi and JP’s romantic dinner! Maybe that’s why you don’t eat dinner so close to an erupting natural phenomenon?
“The geyser completely ruined our dinner.”
Who said it: Andi.
Why she said it: Because the geyser completely ruined their dinner.
“I just rolled down a hill, in a large ball, with Juan Pablo. That was amazing.”
Who said it: I can’t remember now! I want to say maybe Kat? Maybe Cassandra? Does anyone remember? It was too good of a quote not to use.
Why she said it: This episode the girls get to go Ogo Ball-ing down the green New Zealand hills, which seems like a half fun, half disgusting situation. it’s all like wet inside of the inflatable Ogo-balls and you climb in wearing a bathing suit and…I’m no germaphobe, but yuck.
“Juan Pablo doesn’t know it yet, but today is my birthday.”
Who said it: Cassandra, 22, former NBA dancer
Why she said it: This was the most tragic subplot of the episode. It’s poor Cassandra’s birthday, her twenty second birthday, and Juan Pablo doesn’t even know.
“You’re gorgeous, you’re…funny, you’re…so nice…”
Who said it: Juan Pablo, to poor Cassandra
Why he said it: It is the beginning of the letting-her-down-easy speech. Yes, that’s right. Juan Pablo kicked Cassandra off on her birthday.
“Where are our, like, boundaries?”
Who said it: Clare, to Juan Pablo
Why she said it: Because it’s a damn good question! Clare and JP are finally hashing things out after he (practically) berated her last week in Vietnam, and Clare wants to know, wtf is up?
“It’s not about what you fight about, but how you handle it, which really is what puts Juan Pablo and I on a whole different level.”
Who said it: Clare
Why she said it: Because she’s being a dummy accepting Juan Pablo’s half-assed apology.
“I don’t like it when you’re quiet… hmmm!”
Who said it: Juan Pablo to one of the girls
Why he said it: Because he is a trashcan. When you say something passive aggressively rude to somebody, and then they are quiet, don’t tell them you don’t like it when they’re quiet. Also, Juan Pablo, who cares if you don’t like something? I don’t care. You are trash.
“Hi girls… mis niñas!”
Who said it: Latin Lover Juan Pablo
Why he said it: His first words at the beginning of the rose ceremony. Something about this made me throw up in my mouth.
Spoiler alert: Kat the 29 year old Medical Sales Rep from Iowa is sent home without a rose tonight. Don’t cry, Kat. This is totally for the best.