Like any ironically famous and widely despised human, Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil has released her first dance single!
Krentcil tanned her way to infamy when she was arrested for sneaking her daughter into a tanning booth. She soon became America’s favorite meme:
The aptly titled single “It’s Tan Mom!” (and you’ll hear that exclamation mark throughout) is a shameless celebration of tanorexia, a warning to haters, and a rebellious personal theme song. We’re getting definite “Money Can’t Buy You Class” vibes, and can only assume it’ll be burning up the charts in no time.
Give it a listen, and peep our analysis if any of it is unclear to you.
NOTE: Krentcil’s diction may have impeded parts of the lyrical transcription.
It’s Tan Mom…BITCH.
(Are you ready)
(And here I come)
I’ve got a message to use protection from the sun…ha ha ha ha!
Right off the bat, we get a real sense of tone. She’s defiant and on the offense; this is definitely a threat. For a fleeting moment, we think this is the skin protection dance anthem we’ve long been dreaming of! With a heartless cackle, we realize our naïveté.
I wanna get get GET my tan on
(They all are losers)
I’m sexier than the Teen Mom
(I am cool. I’m the cool one)
I’m hotter than the Octomom
(The world can’t judge me now)
So I want you to back away
Get away from me every day
Is there only one Teen Mom? Krentcil sure seems to think so in this direct attack against all famous “____ Moms.” In this verse, Tan Mom theorizes that being sexier and hotter than said Moms renders her free from universal judgment. Both descriptors are subjective, so we question the logic of her theory.
Earlier, we were warned that she was approaching us; now we’re being told to back away. Tan Mom is messing with our minds and our expectations, forcing us to keep listening for our own safety.
My name is Tan Mom
Tanning is the mall
That I’ll be in
Not a tanning booth
But outside with the birds
No, that doesn’t work
Forget the birds…CUT
It’s tan mom.
I’m the cool one.
The chorus is a brilliant mind fuck. She tells us she’ll be at the mall. Then she tells us she won’t be. Then she, again, leaves her location up to chance. Even the birds aren’t safe anymore. She transitions back into the chorus reminding us exactly who she is: The Heisenberg of Tanning.
Use the SPF
For a handful of sun
All pose at the beach
Drop my cup
Down down down down.
What? Now we’re invited to a party with her? Using sunscreen? I’m feeling weird, guys, and it’s not just because of the shoutout to the Black Eyed Peas’ Jewiest moment. Oy gevalt.
Where do you want
I’ll give you a treat
To see my goodies brown
I wanna get get get get my tan on
*Fumbles for rape whistle.*
I’m gonna try to chase my worries away
Forget the worry and sorrow
Gonna burn no more in the flame
Don’t judge me, don’t make a deal
Don’t make a deal because I am saying it to you
I’m saying it to you
Let it be the way it is
Because it’s Tan Mom…BITCH!
Here, we get a glimpse of the woman behind the sun-saturated flesh. At the heart of it, Tan Mom is worried and sad. With a beautiful juxtaposition of the “burn” one feels under the scrutiny of the media to the “burn” she daily subjects herself to, she begs haters to cease fire. But not without a scorching jab to let us know who’s really in charge.