Kim Kardashian currently holds both the #10 spot for Hollywood’s Most Hated Stars and Kanye West’s spawn. In the cover of a recent In Touch Weekly Magazine, Kim’s sexual insecurities and armpits were on full display, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bad for her. Nobody says nice things about Kim in general, but would it kill ‘em to lay off a little while she’s freaking preggers?
Kim needs a pick-me-up, and I knew just the person for the job: My dad, Jeff Martin. Recently, my mom, sister, and I were scrolling through my wonderful dad’s TiVo recordings and noticed that nestled among baseball games and golf tournaments were 6 episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. He admitted that he started off just watching the wedding episode out of curiosity, but realized at some point that he did, in fact, grow rather fond of Kim Kardashian. “It’s partly just to keep mom on her toes,” he claims.
So, Kim, quit crying over your armpits, and instead take note of your best qualities (according to my 52-year-old happily married father).
1. You have a lovely figure.
“For one thing, she’s really curvy. Men are hard-wired to respond to that. Actresses and models are mostly skinny, because the camera adds weight or the clothes are supposed to drape like they’re on a hanger or something. But anytime someone comes along who’s genuinely curvy, men go nuts. Kim, Kate Upton, [Smash's] Megan Hilty…When Christina Hendricks walks down the aisle at the Emmys, she practically causes a riot.”
2. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.
“She always gets dolled up. Puts on makeup, gets her hair done, dresses to accentuate said curves.”
3. You look beautiful pregnant.
“You know what I always say: ‘There’s nothing prettier than a pregnant woman.’ She still looks pretty. She always looks pretty. [These insulting magazine covers] seem to be typical Kim bashing. ‘I’m not supposed to like her’ because of the un-earened fame and wealth, the sex tape, the sham marriage. She shouldn’t worry. She’s pretty now; she’ll be pretty after. If she really is upset about her pregnant appearance, perhaps this is because she understands the basic covenant with her public: Look pretty, look friendly.”
4. You make waiting in lines tolerable
“You have to realize, my ‘relationship’ with her is about 90% based on waiting in line at the grocery store. For me, her job is to give me something pleasant to look at while the old person in line fumbles for their checkbook.”
5. You don’t make odd beauty choices.
“Look at Scarlett Johansson. She loses weight, wears her hair short. Kim doesn’t do dumb things like that. She does dumb things that make for entertaining headlines, next to yet another nice picture. Don’t cut your hair, by the way.”
6. You are not Gwyneth Paltrow.
“I know all women think they want to look like Gwyneth Paltrow, but she is not who men are Googling or goggling at (see what I did there)?”
7. You’re nice to people.
“She smiles when papparazzi take her picture. Most actresses try like crazy to get famous, then act annoyed when people pay attention to them. Or they dress down to tamp down the glamour.”
8. You don’t make men feel gross.
“On those magazine covers, she is always dolled up, and she looks happy to be looked at. So I don’t feel guilty, like I’m leering or ruining her privacy.”
9. You don’t deserve to have diss songs written about you.
“Ray J is not being a gentleman.”
10. You will be a good mom.
“Kim seems like she’ll be a good mom. At the very least, she won’t need to apply for government assistance.”
11. You deserve a good man.
Dad: As for Kanye, they will almost surely not last. That does trouble me…go ahead and have a fling, but drag another life into it? I’m kind of astounded that it’s done so casually. Don’t quote me on that, I’ll sound like a moldy scold.
Me: I would never. So, in your opinion, what kind of guy should Kim end up with? A moldy scold?
Dad: Gee, that’s a question. Who is an extremely handsome, not particularly deep, nice guy?
Dad: Too obvious.
Me: Channing Tatum is spoken for.
Dad: For now.
Me: Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights)?
Dad: Tim Riggins! You nailed it.
Me: They’re only a year apart!
Dad: Let’s make this happen. He’ll be a good dad to Kanye Jr. Li’l K.
Me: He was always sweet to Julie Taylor.
Dad: Yes. Brotherly. At this point it would be stranger if Kim and Tim Riggins didn’t happen.