Today is Amanda Bynes’s 27th birthday. The Amanda Show may have ended in 2002, but the The Amanda Shit Show is going strong.
Last year featured a DUI and a hit-and-run charge, and this year’s train wreck is finding its home on Bynes’ Twitter. While we have grown fond of her odd selfies…
…it’s this tweet that is our new motto:
I want @drake to murder my vagina
— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 22, 2013
Look, Bynesie has clearly plunged off of Mount Crazy. But it is her birthday and we do know what the girl wants. So, Amanda, here is your present…
The Guide to Getting Drake
1. Be Low Maintenance
The Motto: “Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on/That’s when you’re the prettiest, I hope that you don’t take it wrong.” —”Best I Ever Had”
Amanda, Please: Cool it with the slutty selfies and get yourself reacquainted with Juicy Couture.
2. Graduate College
Drake’s Motto: “Sounds so smart, like you graduated college/Like you went to Yale, but you probably went to Howard knowing you.” —”Make Me Proud” (Other colleges Drake raps about include Georgia State in “HYFR” and Harvard in “Crew Love.”)
Amanda, Please: According to your Wikipedia, you have “expressed a desire to attend New York University in the near future.” Step on it, girl!
3. Hone Your Physique
Drake’s Motto: “And I love it when your hair’s still wet/Cause you just took a shower/Running on a treadmill and only eating salad.” —”Make Me Proud”
Amanda, Please: While we can hardly condone your expressed goal weight of 100 pounds, we can encourage you to diet and exercise healthily for the sake of Drake.
4. Stick to Non-Stripping Professions
Drake’s Motto: “Thought I found the girl of my dreams at the strip club, mm mm, fuck it I was wrong though.” —”Over My Dead Body”
Amanda, Please: They say “Dress for the job you want,” and right now you’re kind of heading into exotic dancer territory. In your own (scripted) words:
5. Develop an Eye for Interior Design
Drake’s Motto: “We took a picture together, I hope she frames it!” —”Over My Dead Body”
Amanda, Please: Ask Ashley for advice on home décor.
6. Be Sassy
Drake’s Motto: “A little attitude problem all good it’ll make shit last/Don’t make it too easy girl don’t make it too fast.” —”Make Me Proud”
Amanda, Please: You’ve got the attitude down, but when you tweet things like “It doesn’t matter what you think about yourself. All that matters is what your lover thinks of you,” it does come off a little desperate.
7. Know Your Competition
Amanda, Please: Enhance the qualities mentioned in #1 – #6 so that he forgets you’re not a Asian-Canadian model. Or that you’re not as…”well-rounded” as the girl from his “Practice” video:
8. Know Your Fictional Competition
Drake’s Motto: “If your lucky enough to find someone you love, who loves you back, it’s a gift.” —Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi
Amanda, Please: During his Degrassi stint, Drake’s character Jimmy Brooks dated the sharp-tongued-fashionista Hazel and the popular-but-occasionally-insecure musician Ashley. We realize Drake didn’t actually date these women, but it’s hard to fake the chemistry level of Jashley.
9. Know Your Celebrity Competition
- Rihanna: Drake’s song “Fireworks” and his recent spat with Chris Brown were both allegedly about Rihanna.
- Nicki Minaj: “I saw Nicki for the first time and, like, literally fell in love.” Also, they were fake married. “God damn man she’s beauty and a beast.” —”Make Me Proud”
- Kat Dennings: Drake has admitted that the Two Broke Girls star is his celebrity crush.
- Lena Dunham: The Girls writer/actress bemoaned the fact that Drake wasn’t into her in an article for Vanity Fair. Well, now that it’s out there and Lena is killing it and happily taken, Drake might realize what he’s missing.
Amanda, Please: Just as Otown imagined the best qualities of their favorite women combining to form the woman of their “Liquid Dreams,” so too must you with Drake’s. Strive to possess the body confidence of Rihanna, the quirkiness of Nicki, the sardonic wit of Kat Dennings, and the body confidence/quirkiness/sardonic wit of Lena Dunham.
Drake’s Motto: “You only live once, that’s the motto, n***a, YOLO.” —”The Motto”
Amanda, Please: Go for it. Twitter was a great first step, but if you want to take a dip in Drizzy’s grotto, you gotta follow Drizzy’s motto.
Happy Birthday Amanda!