The Black Keys, noted award-show representatives of rock and roll music, just can’t stop getting mixed up with pop people at these things. A couple years back, they started some incidental shit with the Black Eyed Peas after MTV accidentally listed them as the BEPs on their Video Music Award (“We figured that we should get proper ones made with our names on it, because in 20 years, nobody’s going to know who the Black Eyed Peas are”). Now, they’ve drawn the wrath of Justin Bieber, after being asked about his Grammy snub outside the award show, drummer Patrick Carney offering this commentary:
He’s rich, right? Grammys are for, like, music, not for money … and he’s making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess.
Technically accurate, certainly. But perhaps the Bieb was not too amused with the implication behind the statement, being that Justin’s music is not Grammy-worthy, and that the sole compensation for his artistic efforts should be in monetary terms. A matter of opinion, but obviously not one that the always-ambitious Bieber will be cosigning anytime soon. He tweeted the following in response:
the black keys drummer should be slapped around haha
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) February 12, 2013
So this tweet is great for a bunch of reasons. (Well, five of them. Five is a bunch, right?)
1. Justin referring to him as “The Black Keys Drummer” and not by real name. Because why bother to learn his real name? He’s just the dude with the glasses in the Black Keys, who you see occasionally at award shows and in music videos, not saying much. We wish we didn’t know his real name, either.
2. Justin not threatening his own personal brand of retribution towards the Black Keys drummer for his comment, but rather just saying that he “should be” punished for his insolence—in a perfect, ideal, just world. Bieber’s not gonna do it himself—it’s just not practical—and if it doesn’t happen, then whatever, cool, but the Bieb is just pointing out that it’s something that, y’know, should happen. That’s fair.
3. Also fair: The Black Keys drummer being “slapped around.” Just one slap probably wouldn’t get much of a point across, and doing anything more dramatic—say, involving punching, kicking, wet willies, etc.—would be too great a vengeance for a slight that, relatively speaking, was relatively minor. Nobody ever died from a good slap-around, but nobody ever left one not getting the point, either.
4. Finally, the “haha” at the end of it demonstrates that, all slapping-around aside, Bieber’s not really sweating this too much. At the end of the day, if you take it too personally every time a Black Keys drummer states that your incredible wealth will not buy you unquantifiable music awards, you’ll spend your entire life feeling bilious and icky. Make your non-specific threats, sure, but if you can’t laugh about it too, you’ll get an ulcer by the time you’re 35.
5. Based on the five digits’ worth of favorites and retweets, Bieber’s probably not alone in his slappy desire. Can we get #SlapABlackKey trending by this time tomorrow?