This week, an unexpectedly hilarious CBS memo introduced us to some of the most joyfully awkward euphemisms we’ve heard in a long while. In an attempt to discourage any family-unfriendly shenanigans during Sunday night’s Grammy Awards, the network sent out a release cautioning performers against excessive display of sideboob, underboob, or even the elusive overboob. The problem was, of course, that a broadcast network is not allowed to use words like “sideboob” in an official memo, which led to a series of bizarrely anodyne descriptions of female nudity:
Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure.
In this word salad of salacious legalese, it can be hard to figure out exactly which naughty bits are being described. So we’re here to help you, with these illustrations of exactly what body parts CBS doesn’t want you to see. (Most images taken from previous Grammy performances.)
“THONG-TYPE COSTUMES are problematic”:
“Please avoid exposing BARE FLESHY UNDERCURVES of the buttock”:
“BARE SIDES or UNDER CURVATURE of the breasts is also problematic”:
“Please avoid SHEER SEE-THROUGH CLOTHING that could possibly expose female breast nipples”:
“Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no VISIBLE ‘PUFFY’ BARE SKIN exposure”:
Honestly, we have no idea what this means.
“Visible ‘puffy’ bare skin”? That doesn’t make any sense. We don’t know anyone with “puffy” genitals.
Unless they are talking about … this? (Warning: NSFW.)
We couldn’t help noticing, though, that only “female breast nipples” were banned, which means, yes: Male breast nipples are good to go. Rick Ross, the law remains on your side!