It’s been a few days since Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up, which means we’re in the sad postmortems phase where we examine the wreckage of the failed relationship in an attempt to understand where it all went wrong.
Luckily, we’ve got gossip sites on hand to do just that for us. Unluckily, though, all the stories they’re putting out are really sad and also kind of tawdry. But that’s game we’re all in—the best we can do is examine the rumors and inform you when we think they’re all bunkum.
1) Taylor and Harry broke up because he wanted to bang all the time and she didn’t
Don’t tell us you didn’t see this coming. When you pair the boy-bander whose face launched a thousand filthy fanfics with the prim and proper country star, the gossip is going to get pretty high-school. From Radar Online:
“It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible.”
Even grosser is this part:
“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a wh*re because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out,” a pal close to the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” singer told RadarOnline.com.
“What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude.” … “She puts herself in these stupid situations but then honestly can’t understand why she’s getting such a shabby reputation.”
Just look at the buzzwords and euphemisms in those quotes: Harry is “enjoying his fame,” Taylor is or isn’t “putting out,” she’s being a “prude” because she doesn’t want to be a “whore” and so now she’s “stupidly” gotten herself “a reputation.” Unpacking all the weird sex and gender issues here could occupy an entire graduate seminar for weeks.
2) Taylor Swift is actually an asexual
Not content with throwing shade at Taylor behind her back, the anonymous friends moved on to officially psychoanalyzing her, because that’s what friends do now.
Harry Styles dumped Taylor Swift after growing tired of her “asexual” ways, RadarOnline.com exclusively reports.
They were dating for a month. Calm down, people. Speculating about people’s sexuality is never a good look.
(Also, yes, it’s possible that Taylor Swift actually is actually asexual, and there wouldn’t be any shame if she was! But anonymous sources spreading post-breakup rumors are the last place that news should come from.)
3) Harry got tired of Taylor only talking about antiques
This one’s actually kind of sadly adorable:
“Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young—but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques!” the insider says.
All Taylor Swift wants to do is talk about antiques! That’s amazing. “Harry, I don’t care about your Pepsi commercial. Did you see that amazing Victorian armoire over there? It would be perfect for my bedroom! And what happened that mid-century modern desk I got for you? What do you mean you gave it to Louis?” “Ehrm sorry, luv. Now what’s this Art Lego clock you’ve got your eye on? Do we have to assemble it?” “It’s Art Deco, Harry!” If any other anonymous sources want to come forward with more details of these antique-inspired fights, we’re just an email away.
4) Taylor Swift is already getting her revenge
No matter what happened between her and Harry, Taylor knows what her real reputation is:
Back in the studio. Uh oh…
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) January 10, 2013
Uh oh, indeed!