Those who attended Fiona Apple’s gig in Houston last night were treated to an old-school Fiona apple rant, the kind that we’ve only received sparingly since her infamous “The World is Bullshit” acceptance speech at the VMAs back in 1997. The subject this time? Her recent arrest for hash possession on her tour bus at a checkpoint in Sierra Blanca, Texas, after which she was briefly held at Hudspeth County Jail. She started out by apologizing to her jailer for being “attitudey,” but then called out those involved in the situation who acted “inappropriate”ly:
There are four people out there…and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said, stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and – I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one’ and ‘holding cell two.’ In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder.
I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your fucking holding cell?
Awesome. We hope that Holding Cell 1 and Holding Cell 2 are the names of the two discs of Fiona Apple’s upcoming double album, I’ll Make You F—ing Famous.