And now as we do just about every day here at Popdust, we lament the fact that life is not like a kids’ sports movie. If it was, just minutes after the Bakersfield Condors offered a position on their minor league hockey squad (“Very rarely do you see this combination of skill and toughness…I think he could provide some elusive speed up front for us,” explains Head Coach Matt O’Dette to E! News), we’d cut to a scene in Scooter Braun’s office where he would be persuading Bieber to take the gig. “Listen, kid, we gotta toughen up your image a bit,” Braun would say. “Show that you’re just one of the guys, that you’re not just some pretty boy.”
Bieber, who hasn’t laced up his skates in years, would be reluctant at first—because he wouldn’t want to take the time away from recording and touring from his fans, natch—but would eventually relent. His first few practices would mostly be montages of him getting clocked by slap shots and vicious body checks, as the team tried to expose him for being soft. (“Welcome to the almost-big leagues, rook!”) But in his first game, he’d get off a beautiful one-timer seconds after getting crushed by the opponents’ head goon, gaining his teammates’ respect, and catching the eye of the Ontarian girl next door in the stands he’s been in love with since he was seven, but who had broken up with him for fear he’d “gone Hollywood” on her.
Eventually, he’d help lead them to the state title (or whatever it is minor league hockey teams play for), though not before learning some valuable lessons about playing as part of a team and always remembering where it is you come from. He and Ontarian girl would kiss on the ice as the rest of the team celebrated, while a comically celebritied-up Selena Gomez (probably wearing sunglasses indoors, with a personal assistant and a chihuahua) would pout from the sidelines. The movie’s epilogue would feature Bieber back on tour, bringing out his Condor teammates as special guest vocalists for the final chorus of “Baby,” while Scooter chuckled and boogied to himself off-stage.