What do you know about Avril Lavigne? Probably that she’s from Ontario, enjoys pairing tank tops with ties and believes firmly in the punk-prep dialectic. You also probably know that she was married to Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley for a time, and briefly romanced “Hills” star Brody Jenner.
Now let’s switch it around: What do you know about Chad Kroeger?
We thought so. While his new fiancee is an open book (as far as pop stars go), the Nickelback frontman’s personality remains relatively opaque. To get a true picture of the man, we turned to the one place we knew we could find glimpses of his inner self: Nickelback lyrics. (Yes, Kroeger could be playing a character in these songs, but we’ve got to go with what we’ve got.)
So, after studying hours of Nickelback music, what do we really know about Chad Kroeger?
His favorite food is Mexican:
I want to be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla)
He believes we must throw away complacency in order to be truly free:
Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life
He knows that suicide is not the answer:
Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain’t no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I’m telling you that, it’s never that bad
Take it from someone who’s been where you’re at
Laid out on the floor
And you’re not sure you can take this anymore
He prefers women with a younger look:
You’re ripping up the dance floor honey
You shake your ass around for everyone
I love the way you dance with anybody
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out
‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth
He does not share your wariness of the dangers of overprescription:
But if there’s a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven’t found it yet
But I’m dying to, God I’m trying to
He is skeptical of love’s ability to change the world:
Someone told me love will all save us.
But how can that be, look what love gave us.
A world full of killing, and blood-spilling
That world never came.
Sex, on the other hand… :
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Because that’s the one you really want
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it’s never a question
‘Cause the answer’s yes, oh the answer’s (Yes)
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question
Then it’s always yes. Yeah! (Yes)
It seems clear to us that Kroeger is a tortured soul in need of redemption from the love of a good woman. Can Avril be that for him?