Don’t let the title fool you—this is not just another “JB FanVideo.” As detailed in her somewhat off-the-rails entry in the “Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend” contest (featuring females covering his hit “Boyfriend” in a gender-flipped manner), YouTube user wzr0713 has plans for her relationship with Justin Bieber beyond the typical melange of weddings, castles and fondue platters—she’s got plans for some motherfucking surveillance. “If I was your girlfriend / I’d never let you leave / Without a small recording device / Taped under your sleeve,” she sings, and you know that she means it. “I’ll always be checking up on you / Hey boy, who you talking to?” “Spend a day with your girl, I’ll be calling you my husband.”
She’s even got the names of their four kids picked out already—”Bartholomew, Clarence, Steve and Bryce,” which we’re pretty sure are in fact going to be the names of The Bieb’s four kids, though maybe not in that order. Of course, the lyrics to this don’t really even matter—all you need is one look at That Face and you already know pretty well what’s up.
The Anti-Belieber Defamation Society (ABDS) is probably none too thrilled about the increasing virality of this girl, and likely want you to know that she does not speak for or represent them at large. But c’mon guys—we know this is what you guys secretly all look, sound and think like when the webcams aren’t rolling.