Phillip Phillips is your new American Idol, continuing the show’s streak of crowning white guys with guitars our nation’s next great musical hope. If you’ve been watching over the years, or are simply interested by the voting tendencies of those old enough to text their opinions to Ryan Seacrest, the last five Idol winners have all been white men: Phillips, Scotty McCreery, Lee DeWyze, Kris Allen and David Cook. While this speaks largely to the fact that reasonably attractive males with decent singing voices and guitar-playing abilities have a strong pull with reality competition voters (largely female), it makes thinking about next year’s show even less interesting. Because if you’re a white dude with a Led Zeppelin and/or David Gray guitar cover in your back pocket, you’re basically a shoe-in for the live rounds.
We’ve selected the quintessential physical features (from the neck up) of our last five Idol winners and combined them to create Ricky Whitman, your mother-approved, hypothetical American Idol Season 12 winner. You’re welcome for the eye candy (and the extra time). Enjoy.
PHILLIP PHLLIP’S SMILE
We’re glad the most recent winner was able to smile through a perpetual passage of renal calculii (that’s “kidney stones” for you Lehman lovers), because that’s one grin that should never be hidden behind a medically induced wince! Look at it. Now try and tell us you don’t you wanna feed him a slice of Grandma’s apple pie with a cold glass of milk to match his pearlies.
SCOTTY MCCREERY’S NOSE
The season 10 champ should have no trouble with girls based on this heavenly honker. Not too big, not too small (somebody call Goldilocks!) and the nostril to nose proportion is indisputably average. We smell a winner!
LEE DEWYZE’S EYES
They* don’t call him “Eyez Dewyze” for nothin’! Gazing into those peepers, you see a guy who knows how to fix a minor plumbing issue, but who also calls his mama once a day (at least!). And when he really feels a ballad, he’s not afraid to shed a tear, or at least intensely smize at the camera.
*We, starting now
KRIS ALLEN’S HAIR
We love Adam Lambert’s new album, but it would appear that the American Idol voters are looking for someone a little more mane-stream. Did you notice our pun there? We’re trying to say that Kris has a really solid head of normal looking hair. A slight spike of standard brown with not too much gel. With this dew, KA is a KO.
DAVID COOK’S EARS
Time and time again we hear about the importance of having a “good musical ear” on Idol. Our season 7 winner does ‘em one better with a pair of “good lookin’ ears.” Now, we bet you’ve never once thought, “Wow, that Cook fella sure has nice ears!” Exactly. The perfect ears are unnoticeable. Kudos to David for ignoring the rocker trends by not marring his lobes with decorative danglers. Restraint, people.
If it’s going to come to another WGWG next season, we might as well save everyone some time and reveal the big winner. Based on scientific evaluation, your next American Idol champ will look like this:
Slightly familiar, yet our future prime-time crooner is unique enough to warrant a legion of committed fans and his own inspirational single. Sigh. Bring on the will she-won’t she drama from Jennifer Lopez. The show needs something.