Joshua Ledet is gone. America, instead of choosing the best singer and an R&B powerhouse who could actually benefit from winning this show, is pinning its symbolic hopes on a cardboard-and-tassel Miss Junior America cutout and a dudebro. This poses a question. Do I want to be angry at Idol–or, more to the point, be the sort of person who gets angry over Idol? Expecting voters to choose a singer based on talent is like expecting high schoolers to choose a class president based on platform instead of how stellar Jessica’s attendance record was or how well Phillip Flicklips coiffed his hair. (Jessica’s probably more like Tracy Flick in this analogy, but leave us our puns.)
I know I said this would be a furious post, but I’ll let that continuity slip away, much like Idol‘s own continuity out of life or Steven Tyler’s hair out of its cobwebs of product or Jennifer Lopez out of the show. After all, I also said winning doesn’t matter. Because winning doesn’t matter, not when Jimmy Iovine’s dropped about 15 mentions of the awesome R&B tracks he’s
acknowledging Joshua, like Phillip, might be able to write commissioning for the debut. Not when his final “It’s a Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World” could’ve been a victory performance itself. He’ll be fine. We hope.
That said, if you do not vote for Jessica Sanchez, you are wrong. The choice is no longer between a good singer and a mediocre singer–although it kind of still is–and between caring about winning and not giving a shit. If you’re fundamentally voting because of Phillip’s looks, and be honest with yourself about this, you can get a better dose of that from Google Image Search, YouTube or porn. The end. Soapbox over. Superlatives, begin.
LEAST SUSPENSEFUL ARRANGEMENT: Jessica Sanchez was chosen for the finale first. Did anybody, even for a second, think Joshua Ledet would actually make it there instead of Phillip Phillips?
BEST BAND: Adam Lambert’s band. Who knew that adding those backup singers and that guitarist to the “Never Close Our Eyes” lineup would make the track that much better?
MOST LIKELY TO BE FORESHADOWING: Adam Lambert performing on Idol. You’ll recall he lost to a WGWG, which–let’s face it–will probably happen again this season.
LEAST LIKELY PERFORMANCE IN GENERAL: Did anybody even know Lisa Marie Presley still existed? (We’d give you video here, but the phenomenal specimen of humanity known as YouTube spambot “x123idolriniart” doesn’t want to let us happen. So you’ll just have to take our word for it that we watched the show and confirmed she exists. Maybe as a hologram, though.)
BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME OF TOMORROW’S FINALE: You know, I’ve been critical of artists repeating past songs, but when Jessica’s choice was “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” I don’t really trust new material. That’s right. American Idol has brought me over the months to the point where I just want to hear the old triumphs, because they’ll be triumphs. This means Jessica needs to do “Sweet Dreams” (to prove she can be current), “I Will Always Love You” (because that’s what an Idol moment is) and, depending on whether she cares more about winning or market placement, “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” or “Stuttering.”) There, Jessica, I just won you Idol. You’re not going to read that.
Oh and Phillip can just do “Volcano” three times, I guess. That’d be the best possible outcome. (Seriously, though, expect “Thriller.” As the final song. I’d lay down money. I may already have.)
(One more. For reminiscence’s sake. GRR AMERICA.)