There’s a certain hierarchy to celebrity endorsements. There’s the high-profile megadeal with Pepsi, huge corporation meeting huge star in a pairing that seems pretty legitimately huge. There’s your standard beer or car or perfume tie-in, which at this point is as surprising as an artist releasing a video or going on tour. But there are only so many of those. Even major artists, with their endless array of opportunities, will find themselves in the awkward position of getting behind the camera, smiling, and talking up the benefits of fake butter or erectile dysfunction meds. We feel their pain. We’ve watched all the commercials, after all. And we’re reporting back with the most bizarre of the lot. Because not everyone can get a Pepsi deal.
MARY J. BLIGE, BURGER KING
Questionable production values? Questionably racist? Actual questionable effect on her career? That’s pretty sad.
For all the times you leave for the night with no intentions of coming back.
JOE JONAS, ACUVUE CONTACT LENSES
What caused the fall of the house of Jonas? Competition between the brothers. More specifically: using competition between your brothers to shill contact lenses.
In case your computer has gone wild; keep your mind on your malware and your malware on your mind.
America’s most loved, shilling for America’s most hated.
CHRIS BROWN, DOUBLEMINT GUM
It takes a certain lack of shame to make your product-placement deal half your chorus.
JUSTIN BIEBER & KATY PERRY, PROACTIV
Pimples and ugly bumps all over your face? Turns out it’s not that fun when stars are just like us.
Mariah Carey and J-Hud have proven there’s no shame in pimping weight-loss systems that seem to generate positive results, but one might want to think twice before lending support to a pill whose side effects include “anal leakage.”
PHARRELL, QREAM LIQUEUR
The only thing harder than drinking this dessert in a glass is finding positive things to say about it. It’s one site’s inside joke.
She’s a musician (never forget “Jam“) and the contraption above is a scary way of removing unwanted body hair, lest your minds have wandered towards the gutter.
These pens were social currency for middle schoolers, and Pink being diplomatic in shilling for colors that don’t solely serve as self-promotion
JASON MRAZ, JONAS BROTHERS, KIM KARDASHIAN, “VISIT CALIFORNIA”
Attempting to demystify Golden State stereotypes one cheesy gimmick at a time, while furthering the case that all of Hollywood’s biggest names have decamped to New York.
WARREN G, AFFIRM XL
Rapping about bedroom aptitude seems less genuine when you require the assistance of a little purple pill.
OZZY OSBOURNE, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER
With all the trouble the Prince of Darkness has finding the kitchen, asking him to discern the differences between butter and the fake stuff just seems like a cruel joke.
Get it? It’s a joke about his sex tape! Sadly this brand and its spokesperson feel far from the best a man can get.