Answer the following questions, and you’ll understand exactly why DeAndre Brackensick was eliminated from American Idol, assuming you are DeAndre Brackensick:
- Can you call it falsetto, i.e. your “false voice,” if you use it more than 50% of the time?
- How modern aren’t your song choices?
- Are your dance moves the result of choreography or terror?
- Weren’t you a wild card or something way back when?
- Did the show generally put more (and more questionable) emphasis on your hair–emphasis Colton’s hair didn’t get, for instance–over your personality or musical personality?
Exactly. DeAndre, see, is the last remaining cannon-fodder contestant on Idol, and even he was more talented than that adjective usually is. From now on, every elimination will hurt. Somewhat. Maybe if Idol hurts you. If you are that person, Fox wants to talk to you about a cloning program. We, meanwhile, want to talk to you about superlatives.
MOST FUN. YOU’LL EVER HAVE WATCHING IDOL: The music video, and for once it’s a bloody good thing fun. has that period in their name, because otherwise I’d have written a slogan.
MOST STRANGELY APROPOS BOY BAND: The Wanted. Apropos, because they’re charting high. Strangely apropos, because wouldn’t it be slightly off for X Factor product One Direction to be on Idol? Not as strange as them being on The Voice, and you can argue that in the realm of pre-taped promotional performances, nothing is strange, but still.
MOST SNIPPETIZED: J. Lo’s music video. Or, rather, the bit of it we saw before we saw other bits of things. To be fair, you could probably insert bits from “On the Floor” et al. and construct a plausible music video.
MOST IMPROVED: Order of contestant eliminations.
LEAST WORTHY OF RETAINING COUNTRY STATUS: America, you disappoint us. Can’t you see that Elise is a genuinely exciting performer? Can’t you see that a Foreigner rock ballad might be on the sleepier side of rock but nevertheless, in its own way and proper context, an OK choice? Sure, you might be kids voting for heartthrobs or country folks voting for same, but don’t you like Adele? Do you not appreciate Kelly Clarkson? Is the sound of the female voice being gutsy or risky or resonant or interesting a problem for you?
…It probably is. Let’s end here.