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If American Idol‘s top 9 contestants were really going to sing songs by their idols, Mariah and Stevie and Whitney and Michael would all be represented, over and over, with maybe an Adele pick from one of the kids. If they were going to sing songs by their spiritual idols, then Colton would pick Patrick Stump, Jessica Sanchez would probably still pick Mariah or Adele, Hollie would pick a crystalline Degas figure and Steven, who would want to get in on the singing, would be a swamp wraith.
None of this transpired. What transpired instead was the best performance night Idol‘s seen in years. Contestants singing songs by artists they genuinely like? What a concept! You could do great things with it, or if you’re Idol you could bumble back to Disco Night or something next week. The choice is yours.
THE HOPELESS: 33-28
33. The Swaybots: Shouldn’t robots programmed to sway be able to sway on the beat? Poor contestants–it must be like watching a broken teenage metronome.
32. Signage: “<3 We Phillip!” <3 We Syntax!
31. Randy’s Necklace: Pretty sure he stole that necklace from day camp. Pretty sure he stole his glasses from Sally Jesse Raphael.
30. Steven Tyler: Idol‘s sleaze-coated janitor’s mop said an array of unremarkable thing save for one anecdote: a birthday dinner with Mick Fleetwood during which they talked about Stevie Nicks all night. This is not a conversation you want to picture, right? Steven being Steven about her, Mick trying to decide whether it’d be a good or a bad idea to tell tales, and I’m going to stop here because Fleetwood Mac/Aerosmith real-person slash is not something I really want under my byline. Picture it yourself. You already are.
29. This Quote: “It’s falsetto time!” –DeAndre. It is never that time.
28. Deandre Brackensick: Falsetto works like a bell curve. Use none, and you’re missing a chance to be sexy; use some, and men and women melt alike; but use too much, and you’re tossed right back into the outlier boonies of absolute sexlessness. Deandre used more than too much, and everyone telling Erika and Joshua that they oversing aren’t really getting it. To wit: Steven likes it, because he would. J. Lo yells at the audience to PICK UP YOUR PHONES AND VOTE!, which is completely pointless because the lines aren’t open. Finally, we should note that Eric Benet is a cheating piece of shit and not someone you really want to go around talking about as if he’s “exactly what [you] want to be.”
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