American Idol will never be brave enough to stage a full-on Top 40 (Actually From the 2010s, Not Any Cheats Like Songs Adele Covered Or Something) theme. It’s not for lack of material. Why, Nicki Minaj alone has guested on enough songs with enough singing–much of it lately done herself–that you could get one of the later weeks. Since that won’t happen, though, Nicki Minaj will perform on the show March 29.
And here’s how it will go down. It will not be “Roman Holiday”; it will absolutely not be “Stupid Hoe.” Odds are only even that it’ll be a rap song as opposed to “Starships.” She’ll perform with lots of lights and lasers and Laurieann Gibsonisms. Phillip Phillips will drowse his eyes over in utter confusion, Jessica Sanchez and Hollie Cavanagh will hopefully be inspired to more fascinating things, Heejun Han will turn it into a joke, Steven Tyler will turn it into a dirty joke, Nicki will give a surprise affirmation to wrap it all up. There, we watched next week’s Idol for you. It’s a limited talent, so please be appreciative.