The Ultimate “American Idol” Power Rankings: Whitney/Stevie Night
Today was American Idol‘s Whitney Houston tribute week, supposedly. Problem is, to Idol, paying tribute is apparently much less important than twisting the rules (seriously, only half a week?) That twist, in case your eyes glazed over when Ryan mentioned how shockingly new it was, was this: The bottom two will consist of the man and woman with the least amounts of votes from their gender. The judges will choose who goes home, which means the following will almost certainly happen:
1. Jeremy Rosado will receive the fewest votes of the guys, but thanks to the twist, he’ll be pitted against Shannon Magrane.
2. At the sight of Jeremy Rosado getting pretty much the reaction America has given him, Jennifer Lopez will wail, the heavens will split open to rain puppy tears, and the audience will rend the very skin from their faces.
3. Shannon will be eliminated. Which isn’t really a bad outcome, but you know this twist was implemented to crack down on America and their rogue voting; it’s essentially an extra judges’ save, and it’s essentially ripping off The Voice without the latter show’s futzy math.
I’m serious about this prediction, by the way. I’ll lay down a bet on it. (Plus, I checked DialIdol.) If the bottom two are not Jeremy and Shannon, and especially if none of the judges turn into a pulsing puddle at the prospect of his elimination, I will give myself a honorary Hopeless power ranking in tomorrow’s recap for paying less attention to America’s whims and more attention to who’s good, who’s bad, and who sounds like the video below.
THE HOPELESS: 26-22
26. Shannon Magrane: Let’s ignore her actual vocal for a second, forget the poo and histrionics that led Vote for the Worst to rename her Shannon Migraine. Let’s take the premise. I’m not entirely convinced that a 16-year-old can’t sing “I Have Nothing”; in theory, a teen-angst interpretation could exist. It wouldn’t be Whitney, but it’d be legitimate. Shannon has no interest in interpretation. I can say that, because she did, right after she batted about blaming the accompanist (never blame the accompanist) and assuring the judges she could “sing her butt off”: “I was focusing on myself and how I should be singing the song.” No. This is how you end up mistaking growling for emotion and pianissimo for tears. This is how you end up a jiggly, overexplaining mess talking yourself down as all three judges purse their lips.
25. Whitney Houston’s Legacy: Seriously, half a week is the best you can give her? Half a week including the above? Don’t make her hurt anymore!
24. Swaybots: Definition: Those people corralled every season by the show to stand up front and wave their arms like flagella. This is exactly as useful as you guessed.
23. “Goosies”: Definition: an Idol-transmitted noun and condition that produces suspiciously pearlescent skin and chronic abbrevs. Those afflicted with “goosies”–first Jennifer, now Randy, and Steven is probably a carrier–develop immune systems so weakened they become mere conduits for producer love.
22. Coca-Cola: Erika Van Pelt was nervous. The role of her nerves was played by a giant, flying soda bottle on the screen behind her.
For beige rooms with beige singers, and guys who deserve Jimmy Jail, click NEXT.
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