Hollywood Week is officially over. Over. And see what it’s left in our wake? Our brains have been melted over the course of hours to putty, incapable of processing any sound without Ryan Seacrest telling us how amazing it is first, incapable of taking any statements at face value without waiting for Steven Tyler to slither up from some corner of our brain (as he does), flip it and reverse it, incapable of taking in experience without Fox first pulping it into easily digestible story arcs, incapable of visualizing anything other than what Steven Tyler did to our sensibilities, still. Who knows what the live rounds will do to us? By May ours brains are going to register nothing but confetti and high notes. Please follow along while this happens. It’ll help us cope.
Anyway, we’ll just go ahead and spoil the big ol’ twist of the night, which is that it’s not over. You–and we–have now got to watch Idol on Tuesday as well to figure out whether David Leathers, Jr., Johnny Keyser, Richie Law or Jermaine Jones will be the 25th semifinalist. What a twist! What a potentially completely pointless twist after you realize that every top 24 contender has a Facebook page, as do only two of the final four. (Yes, you can make fake Facebook/Twitter accounts, but Twitter’s been quick about suspending certain names, and Facebook requires you to have 25 likes on a page before you give it a custom username, which we found out while trying to make a fake finalist page for research. We have done more research on this than we ever wanted or needed to do, and please thank us.)
There. That was the twist. Your world is hopefully rocked. While you put it back in order again, here are…
THE HOPELESS: 24-17
24. This Upsetting Fact: The top 12 women are almost all white, and it was not for lack of talent. At all. Blergh.
23. Steven Tyler: Watch Jennifer’s face closely as he begins his three-quarter monty. It is the truest thing in the show’s history.
22. Jennifer Lopez: Not that we’re going to un-dock her points for her Erika Van Pelt bodysnarking on Wednesday. Especially when her presence last night could be replaced by an emoticon without anyone noticing.
21. The Twist: “A shocking turn of events that will change everything.” To be sure, a new era in history is born every time a previously rejected guy on American Idol is added to the top 24.
20. Obvious Desires: 1. “I really hope that the judges see that from my past performances that I’m worth for the top 24.” –Shannon 2. “I hope that what I did was enough to get to the next round.” –Jermaine 3. “I hope that these contestants get a little more interesting.” –Us
19. This Quote: “It’s the most important night yet, and the Vegas strip is buzzing with energy.” Bless you, Idol, for finally taking the stick out of Vegas’ ass. This “energy” has everything to do with you and nothing to do with alcohol, drugs, sex, or money.
18. Multi-Person Dismissals: How dare you consolidate the final judgments of the youngest contestants?! David, Ariel, and Shelby had to witness someone’s celebration at the same moment as their defeat. Teenagers already have enough complex emotions to handle! God, Idol! I feel like you don’t understand me! No one understands me! #emo
17. Scott Dangerfield: Sings, looks and is presented like footage of a boy-band member ten years later. It’s not that he’s bad–he’s one haircut and one visible guitar away from Phil Phillips–but he’s clearly superfluous. But J. Lo said she wanted him to audition again anyway, which for those counting would be his third try. We get what the producers are doing. In 2025, once Idol is somehow still going with a judge’s slate of Mandy Moore, Fred Durst and Randy Jackson and with cyborgs eligible to participate, Scott Dangerfield will get a big, juicy audition package about setting the world record for most Hollywood Week appearances.
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