The Ultimate “American Idol” Power Rankings: Final Judgment, Night 1

Posted on 02/23/2012 at 2:18 PM

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30. Randy Jackson: His go-to compliment: “You’re one of the best singers we’ve seen.” At this point, that’s a given, no?

29. Steven Tyler: Purple top, paisley pants and permanent pout: business neither on the top nor on the bottom. He escapes the bottom category solely because despite last week’s warning, we have not seen his bare butt.

28. Neco Starr: His performance had the consistency of a moist towelette. Bruno Mars would call it soppy. Bruno Mars, incidentally, is the gaping void in the judges’ pop knowledge, as they didn’t put him through despite him being a near-exact clone, starry name and all.

27. Idioms: The liberal uses of “best of the best,” “cream of the crop,” and “push comes to shove” really ruffled our feathers, made our blood boil, and got our danders up!

26. This Quote: “Next up is one girl who wanted to make it to the next round.” –Ryan. Oh yeah! She’s that one girl in this competition who distinguishes herself by being interested in winning this competition. Thanks for the clarification!

25. Richie Law: Q: How can you tell whether the baritone cowboy singing “Ring of Fire” before a Western soundtrack is going to make it? How do you tell whether he’ll be Richie-Richie, lucrative Scotty successor and lover of hugs, or The Law, the stern person who talks up his accomplishments like he’s at an annual review? A: Check the Stetson color.

24. The Walk to the Judges: In order to get to the judgment room, the contestants had to walk down a hallway engulfed in endless spotlights and mist. Surely a nod to The Phantom of the Opera, as the judges are the contestants’ angels of music. Particularly Steven.

23. Camille Von Hugel: Ryan asks how Brielle’s (stage) mom stays so tan (he’s ruthless for hot tips) and she talks up her “tan out of a can.” When Brielle make it, she declares to the holding room of nervous contestants, “I love youz! All youz!” Then, we imagine, under her breath, “When my daughter is succeeding in show biz.”

22. Chelsea Sorrell: She twangs so good, it doesn’t matter how many lyrics she forgets (too many), and no judge was ever going to mention that during her judgment. Why? She’s a female country singer, which means–in Randy’s words–”top 24! top 24! top 24!”

21. Adam Brock: We’ll save you the crumb of suspense and tell you he makes it. This isn’t a cliffhanger. It never even came near the cliff. Nevertheless, Adam Brock’s segment brought us joy. That is, Adam didn’t bring us any; his performance Krajciked not one bit, nor did the white (nope) chocolate (.avi) melt (ugh). Instead, he was tossed into a sterile jazz petri dish, shuddering stark against glassy backup singers. And then, wonder of wonders, we heard this: “You still have to figure out who you are. The jazzy, sort of loungy arrangement of that didn’t show off who you really were. It felt all over the place.” Sure, it’s sticky with sugar and assumes a Danny Gokey clone is something anyone wants to hear. But the experience of mentally formulating critique, then having the judges formulate the same critique, is something we’re honestly not used to on Idol anymore. Don’t worry, though; it’ll never happen again.

For prettiness, “get it, girl” ladies and ghosts, click NEXT.

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