So yeah, Adele won everything, except for the stuff the Foo Fighters were nominated for. She was obviously the big winner of last night’s Grammys, with anyone who dared step in her path coming up the big loser, but there were plenty of other winners and losers to go around. Lyrical slips, bold fashion statements, special guest performers (and athletes!), “sweet hookup”s—the award-show action was non-stop. In case you were too busy congratulating yourself on being the only one in your Hawaiian office pool not to pick Bruno Mars for song of the year, here is our comprehensive list of the people who came up big, came up small, or didn’t come up at all at the 54th Grammy Awards.
BEST 99%ER COMMENT OF THE NIGHT: BRUNO MARS
“GET OFF YOUR RICH ASSES AND HAVE SOME FUN!” Importantly, Bruno earned the comment with the night’s best hustle performance—we haven’t seen splits like that on stage since the golden age of Beck.
BEST “I’M A FUCKING STAR” MOVE: MIKE LOVE
As if a tribute in the band’s honor wasn’t enough, the Beach Boys’ frontman took the stage to perform “Good Vibrations” wearing a self-referential baseball cap that read “The Beach Boys.” Because he can. Adam Levine may think he has moves like Jagger, but does he have headware like Love’s?
BEST NO-SHOWS OF THE NIGHT: JAY-Z AND KANYE WEST
Jay and Kanye have apparently discovered that the only thing cooler than coming late is just not coming at all—which is hard to argue with, especially when it results in Marc Anthony having to awkwardly accept the result on your behalf. Why even bother showing up to this fake shit?
BEST RESULTS OF WHAT MUST HAVE BEEN A MASTER CLASS WITH MADONNA, YEEZY AND ANGELA LANSBURY: NICKI MINAJ
Most anticipated album of 2012? It is now.
WORST ROCK REPRESENTATIVES: JACK BLACK AND DAVE GROHL
We support the place of rock in popular music as much as anyone here at Popdust, but listening to these two nincompoops rattle on about TEH RAWK all night has us getting all Regina George about it: “STOP TRYING TO MAKE ‘ROCK’ HAPPEN, GUYS! IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!!”
WORST “KING OF ROCK” REPRESENTATIVE: CHRIS BROWN
For his part of the David Guetta/Deadmau5 electroniganza, Brown dressed up in glasses, hat, chain and leather jacket a la Run-D.M.C. There is no interpretation of events in which this was a logical fashion choice.
BEST ODDS OF A POST-GRAMMYS SALES BUMP: THE CIVIL WARS
Pleasant folkies (see: last year’s Mumford and Sons) performing with someone beloved (OK, Bob Dylan has an entire career over Taylor Swift, but same idea)? The other wildcard was deadmau5 until whatever that medley was.
BEST FUTURE COMIC-CON COSTUME: KATY PERRY
It’s as much “cool futuristic cultural stuff” as comics, and by then, “Part of Me” will undoubtedly be played into cultural ubiquity so people will recognize you. We recommend not including the broken glass, though. Floor hazard.
BEST OVERALL: ADELE
We missed your voice, but we missed your personality almost as much.