You know how Adele sings a lot of songs about sad stuff? Breakups, gut-wrenching loneliness, puppies with broken ankles, that sort of thing? Well, say goodbye to Adele the Professionally Depressing Singer Person. According to a recent interview with Vogue, Adele is finito with the heartbreak stuff, saying she’s “done being a bitter witch.” Partly this is because Adele wants to shed the misconception that she goes around grabbing strangers’ sleeves because she’s crying all the goddamn time, saying that people are “surprised” when it turns out she’s not perpetually all Mood Indigo.
So if she’s not gonna be spending her time rolling in the deep and finding someone like you, how will Adele pass the lyrical hours? Here’s some suggestions about thematic directions she can take from here:
- Concept Albums. Duh. At the ripe age of 23, Adele has already reached the Do No Wrong stage of her career, which is usually the point at which artists start creating double albums about spaceships and wizards and oppressive futures in which music has been made illegal. Adele doesn’t necessarily have to go that direction, but if her next album was loosely based on the plot of one of the operas from Wagner’s Ring Cycle, would anybody really be all that surprised? It’s probably only a matter of time.
- Nature. Nobody really sings about nature anymore, but with the woodsy folk thing taking off (hellloooo Best New Artist Bon Iver), maybe it’s time for Adele to get in touch with her inner Natural Woman. Where are the “Rocky Mountain High”s of our generation? When did “Colors of the Wind” fall so far out of fashion? We need an artist with inherent credibility to bring it back, and whose voice would sound better echoing over the rushing plains or whatever than Adele’s?
- Sexxxy Sexxx. Is there any doubt that an adele.-type album lies in the future for Miss Adkins? She’s gonna find herself a good man who treats her (and her body) right, and she’s going to write a couple of the best filthy songs of the 2010s about the situation. And if you think that Adele won’t be able to do earthy sensuality as well as she did stoic (and also not-so-stoic) heartbreak, you clearly have not heard her cackle at the end of the the Royal Albert Hall rendition of “Rumour Has It.”
- Christianity. Not necessarily our favorite direction for pop stars to take, but we can’t avoid the facts. After all, how did Bob Dylan follow Blood on the Tracks and Desire, his two post-divorce albums? With about a decade’s worth of gospel-tinged efforts. (And that dude was Jewish.) Once love between a man and a woman is tapped out, where else to turn but the love between a woman and a savio(u)r? Don’t fret it too much, seculars—Adele’s gonna sound fucking badass backed by the Mighty Clouds of Joy.
- Commercial Jingles. Think about it—how much could Adele charge a pop for a thirty-second “Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch“-style commercial jingle? 100K? 500K? She wouldn’t even need to record albums anymore—just sell her services to the highest bidder for a couple years or two, and by the time people start accusing her of being a sell-out, it’ll be about time for her Big Comeback anyway. Besides, with the combination of her booming singing voice and her adorable speaking voice, she could be a Drake-like double threat—she could sing the most heart-rending song about Prilosec OTC you ever did hear, and also tell you why it’ll kill you if you take it after the hour of 9:00 PM.