The footage has faded for American Idol‘s inconsistently pronounced St. Louis auditions, and as the world’s recappers sputter and the world’s watchers taper off, let’s stop to consider the fact that Ryan called season 11 “the most successful road auditions we’ve ever had.” Fact-checking American Idol is for nebbishes and fools, but nevertheless, how does one even measure this? It’s not ratings. Number of golden tickets, perhaps, but that’s like bragging about your college’s acceptance rate ticking up to 34% from one-third. J. Lo hit her peaks of divatude and fashion sense years ago, Randy defies superlatives, lately Ryan does too, and Steven’s magnanimous preening is a success only for himself. Certainly this means more successful than season four, whose champ Carrie Underwood probably made up a sixth of this episode’s total runtime.
This is getting complicated; let’s just take Idol at its word. These auditions were the best, Hollywood Week will also be the best with the best medical emergencies ever (blugh), and the talent that does osmose its way to the top 24 will best Idol‘s previous best. And the ratings will bloom once more, criticism will flow from the judges’ lips and the show will become a fount of the 2010s’ most exciting talent.
Or else there’ll be the likes of:
THE HOPELESS: 25-18
25. This Quote: “My parents auditioned for American Idol in season 4.” Feel old? In two years, Idol will be a teenager, and in four years, Idol will be old enough to audition for Idol.
24. Husbands: What is up with all of these husbands holding their wives back this season? It seems like one female contestant an episode breaks down about their ex-husband destroying their dreams, and then sings an “I hate men” song. J. Lo’s empathetic responses might has well have been followed by “coughMarcAnthonycough.”
23. Randy Jackson: His rugby shirt (black, blue and neon red all over) said more than he has all season. The latter is still preferable.
22. Steven’s Style: For outfit one, Steven sported a silk snake print beige collared shirt with a white vest and purple hair feathers. For outfit two, he wore the top half of a girl scout uniform (no sash of patches), a necklace with a white gecko straddling a golden orb, and a Carmen Sandiego hat. Where in the world is Steven Tyler’s dignity?
21. The Guy Who Bungles “Rolling In The Deep”: Leftover Adele-montage footage.
20. The Bundle Of “Firework” Singers: Leftover X Factor footage.
19. The Woman Who Wears A Truffula Tree Hat And Sings The Doors: Leftover… something.
18. The Man With The Bare Chest And White Elvis Shirt, To Whom Steven Spouts His Own Lyrics: Steven, realizing the show now runs on leftovers, decided he should skim a little royalty pay from its coffers. He said so himself!
For more of Steven than you ever wanted to see, click NEXT. (Because this recap is like The Monster at the End of This Book.)