Posted by Emily Exton on 01/10/2012 at 1:55 PM Videos

The Popdust Files: beyonce, jay-z, parodies

All the conspiracy theorists out there may finally have their day, as we now have proof something was amiss with the whole Bey-Jay baby-making story. The tiny piece of perfection that is Blue Ivy Carter was not the sole result of the merging of genes of two of music’s most perfectly perfected perfectionists. According to The Onion’s (totally hilarious yet totally fake) Star Fix entertainment report, Beyoncé—while in the woods gathering berries–pulled a move straight out of Into the Woods and Damn Yankees, promising her first born child in exchange for the ability to sing like the “unmatched beauty of a thousand nightingales.” What?! Believe it, Angelique. Old hag Grisora has been keeping tabs on Bey’s baby ever since the VMAs—note: very hard to get seats—and has reportedly refused Jay’s offer of a room full of gold or Beyoncé’s willingness to answer a bunch of riddles in exchange to let them keep the most beautifulest thing in this world. She just couldn’t handle singing backup to Kelly or Michele, could she?

Sadly, Beyoncé’s not the only female celebrity making deals with witches—we’re looking at you, Jen and Christina. While we mourn the all too soon loss of Blue Ivy from Roc Nation, we secretly await the impending girl group Matthew Knowles Grisora is currently working on in her New York dungeon.

BREAKING: Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Fame Returns To Claim Firstborn Child

[The Onion]