Posted by Katherine St Asaph and Samantha Martin on 12/15/2011 at 12:11 PM Exclusive, News

The Popdust Files: the x factor, tv recaps

Somehow, these are The X Factor semifinals; somehow, Astro, Drew and Rachel Crow aren’t in them, and somehow Marcus Canty and Chris Rene are. Somehow, Steve Jones has managed to keep up his human-being impression with only a couple glitches; somehow, L.A. Reid’s lost his edge, Nicole Scherzinger’s picked up selective whining, Paula Abdul’s become Most Improved, Talent-Competition Division and Simon Cowell continues to get away with whatever he wants to. (That’s not really “somehow,” we know.)

Last night brought us two songs each: one was the no-longer-error-ridden Pepsi Challenge choices, which were neither challenging nor, considering Come Together” mentions Coca-Cola, particularly Pepsi-friendly, and the standard mentor’s choice for the contestants, which at least were free of “Happy Feet” sabotage like singing shows past.  Last night, we formed our gut grades on the final four into an Instant Report Card.   Read on for our semi-final Power Rankings, and be sure to check back next week for our even more comprehensive season’s end version!

X FACTOR POWER RANKINGS: Top 4
	15.A Single White Rose: One less lonely girl; one more annoyed recapper.
	14.Walter Afanieseff: The super-prolific songwriter behind Mariah Carey’s “Hero” (chosen by America and sung by Melanie; it’s like that, y’all) was mentioned by Paula, by name, yet never shown. This is distressing. Display the writers!
	13.Marcus Canty: Now a “three-time save-me song champion,” the least enticing sort of champion. But worry not; he’ll either be dethroned by his performances of “I’ll Make Love To You (And Sing Like I’m Thinking Of England)” and “Careless Whisper, More Careless High Notes,” or the judges’ faint praise like “To me, you’re already a winner today,” followed each time by an unspoken “…and that’s your consolation prize.” We like Marcus, but all dubious reigns must end.
	12.Backup Dancers: Chris Rene’s dancers were straight out of Hair. Marcus Canty’s were straight out of Chicago. Next week, flying monkeys?
	11.Chris Rene: When hearing Sugar Ray, do you resent interesting presences like Super Cat gumming up the strum? Are you frequently overcome by a centuries-old cloud of ennui that yearns for Real Music but is easily flummoxed by a guy playing Alicia Keys on solo piano? Can you forgive voices the size of atoms and shape of Mike Posner? Deep down, do you really believe Chris Rene deserves a spot in the finals over Tora Woloshin, Tiah Tolliver, Astro, Caitlin Koch, Elaine Gibbs, Audrey Turner, Drew, the Brewer Boys, Tiger Budbill….? For untold millions of people, apparently so.

For L.A. RUDE (ZING!) Nicole SCHERZYFACE (BURN!), and our far less childish commentary, click NEXT.