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Boy Oh Boy, The Internet Sure Is Pissed About This Lana Del Rey Video

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Posted by Katherine St Asaph on 12/15/2011 at 3:11 PM Videos

The Popdust Files: born to die, lana del rey, music videos, the internet

Lana Del Rey is the most controversial artist that you’ve either never heard of or are sick of hearing of. As an artist, she’s really no worse than any number of singer-songwriters–decent drowsy voice, tasteful arrangements–as a controversy magnet, she’s near-perfect. Every successive single-”Video Games,” “Blue Jeans” and now “Born to Die,” has attracted the same sort of talk. The YouTube comments sections are full of creepy sexual remarks, comparisons to Lady Gaga, complaints about the comparisons to Lady Gaga, mentions of George Bush and comments about the size of her lips. Blog comment sections are full of creepy sexual remarks, comparisons to “fake” “pop” “artists” (see, her old performing name was Lizzy Grant, and she released some material under that name before retooling her persona), mentions of plastic surgery and comments about the size of her lips.

Of course, now that Del Rey and label Interscope are aware that people are talking on the Internet, they’ve given the people what they want: videos practically designed to make people swoon, yell or roll their eyes! So in the spirit of the last, let’s go over the video the only way that fits.

THE EYEROLL.GIF SCALE OF “OK, YOU’RE JUST TROLLING US NOW”:
1: Pint-Sized Harry Potter
5: Santana
10: Liz Lemon

0:01-0:12: So basically this is just Lana cuddling with some tattooed dude, and neither are wearing shirts, and they’re in front of an American flag. You may or may not recognize this part from the video teaser–not only radio pop stars do this shit, guys!–but at least they’re consistent? 8
0:13-0:25: ARCHITECTURE! ADMIRE IT, THEN FEEL BAD FOR ADMIRING IT. Then take a second to ponder how much Interscope must have paid for this freaking castle, for it is in fact a freaking castle. 5
0:26-0:45: And here’s Lana sitting on a throne wearing a white gown and crown of either flowers or curlers, beneath gold candlesticks and flanked by two tigers, because of course there are gold candlesticks and tigers. Once you get over the initial thronetigersdazedexpressionwhyyyyyy flinch, though, you get used to it. Compared to castles and American flags, at least (which, by the way, don’t even look like they exist in the same country, which means so much for that continuity, but whatever.) 3
0:46-0:54: That tattooed guy, now wearing a shirt that might literally be a potato sack is chilling on the hood of a car parked in the dirt, beneath a night sky Pantone 288C (Dark, Cinematic, Forks-Like) and near a statue for some reason. Lana strides into this scene, drops a suitcase she’d carried and leaps into the guy’s arms so they can make out on the car. Right then. 6
0:55-1:00: See, the camera cuts to Lana alone for the lyric “I feel so alone”! 5; 6 if you’ve taken video-editing classes
1:01-1:06: And now Lana and tattoo-man have moved the making out to inside the car, presumably to shield the PDA from that statue and everyone else in the deserted clearing. The screen’s maybe at 15% brightness. I think the dude’s knuckle tattoos, which he totally has, spell out POST, but that would require squinting at for much longer than I really want to. 6
1:07-1:08: B-roll of the ceiling, which is SPINNING. SPINNING! THIS LANA DEL REY VIDEO SERIOUSLY HAS A SPINNING CEILING, I CAN’T BELIEVE–okay, okay, we’ve got nothing. 1
1:09-1:13: More singing. More throne. More tigers doing no more than they did before. 2
1:14-1:16: Dude lights a cigarette while Lana looks on, glassy-eyed. You know, that sounds like a premise for a song by her. Maybe it’ll be called “Cigarette.” 3
1:17-1:38: You know what? We’re done going over every separate cut from car to castle to cigarette break to canoodling. They’re all the same. 1
1:39:1:40: Dude pushes Lana away with his fingertip, and he’s lost his shirt somewhere in the part we didn’t narrate. On a scale of blah to uncomfortably romanticized violence, this is somewhere at the same point as a Britney Spears video. 3
1:41:1:55: See 1:17-1:38. See, they’re embracing again, so that poke-push was no big deal! 1
1:56-2:15: Of course there’s a boudoir scene. Of course there is. Let’s just inventory the scenery: gold filigreed headboard, fancy pillows, flowerpots and boughs of real or plastic flowers (so in other words, you’ve probably either got bugs or scratchy, uncomfortable plastic stuff where you’re trying to relax, jewel-tone linens. This is not a very comfortable or realistic-looking bed. If Lana’s team really wanted to troll their viewers, they’d set it in a starter bachelor pad. Also, Lana may or may not be hallucinating her boyfriend’s presence; again, if Lana’s team really wanted to troll their viewers, they’d emulate a certain NSFW K Michelle/R. Kelly video. 4
2:16-2:17: And now dude’s appearing in the (gold-framed) mirrors! Clutching his neck! Could it be Freudian? 3
2:18-2:29: Lana and dude exchange meaningful looks on an equally meaningful night highway. She wipes away condensation on the windshield, because GET IT? THEY PRODUCED CONDENSATION ON THAT THERE WINDSHIELD. 4
2:30-3:03: Throne room (which might actually be a church, considering the pews). Night drive (which might actually be uncomfortable, considering the context of every time you’ve ever been in a car with your boyfriend without talking). Not eventful. 2
3:04-3:06: Oh crap they’re making out in the moving car! It’s like this song has “die” in its chorus! Is your foreshadowing radar pinging yet? Is it? 6
3:07-3:51: Car/throne/all that castle scenery you guys. 1
3:52-4:15: And now Lana walks slowly/purposefully in her white dress through the all-that-castle-scenery-you-guys like she’s a Gothic heroine, through some schmancy double doors that lead into the bright light. Is your foreshadowing radar conked out into a heap of overclocked plastic yet? 7
4:16-4:34: The tattooed dude is holding Lana’s bloody corpse like the Pieta! The guy lives, the girl dies! She’s in her bra, too! There are flames in the background and this fades to black! He’s just blankly staring into space! Are you outraged yet? 9
4:35-4:47: Oh look it’s the American-flag clip again. 10, and we’re done here.