Posted by Katherine St Asaph and Samantha Martin on 10/19/2011 at 12:48 PM News

The Popdust Files: the x factor, x-factor

OK, first the part you care about: the results. Drew Ryniewicz (OK), Simone Battle (ugh), Rachel Crow (cool), Tiah Tolliver (AWESOME) and, in a not-entirely-shocking shocker, Melanie Amaro (well, yeah) will graduate from dancing for an open-shirted Simon Cowell to the live shows; Brian “Astro(nomical Kid” Bradley (woo!), Chris Rene (meh), Marcus Canty (sweet) and Phillip Lomax (whatevs) helped L.A. Reid thin out the guys’ category; Leroy Bell (hm), Josh Krajcik (surprisingly OK), Stacy Francis (yep) and Dexter Heygood (POOL JUMP!) will be guided by the sure, buffed hand of Nicole Scherzinger to represent the over-30s, and the Stereo Hogzz (synchronized nods), The Brewer Boys (paydirt!), Intensity (sigh) and Lakoda Rayne (double-sigh) were Paula Abdul’s group of groups.

What you just read in a paragraph took two hours for the show to languidly spool out. Isn’t this way much more economical? Of course. It’s even more economical to read us and find out which of the 16 are any good, which of the other 16 are any good, and which judges proved, for the first time, they were worthy of their jobs. (The order’s not what you think.)

X FACTOR POWER RANKING: Top 16
	50.Baseball: The X Factor has conveniently rearranged its schedule around its whims. Hypothetically speaking, the individuals who recap The X Factor must do the same. This is, hypothetically speaking, a little annoying. Kinda like…
	49.Nick Voss: We literally missed his elimination the go-round and had to rewind. Maybe his half-Jedwardian hair repressed its own memory.
	48.Illusion/Confusion: Kinda like how the producers repressed these guys’ performances last night.
	47.Brennin Hunt: 26 is still not old, except maybe for guys who treat life as if Zoolander was a documentary. We’d wish him a good future if he didn’t think the future was two more years.
	46.Skyelor Anderson: This guy, whom we liked, was doomed once L.A. Reid told him–a country singer–that country wasn’t his genre. Storyline slain!
	45.Nicole’s Poncho Dress: Looked like a blue rug sewn to a white rug. Pocahontas thought about reporting the theft, then rethought it.
	44.Backstage Crew Member In Charge Of Nicole’s Emotions: Nicole cries to him about how awful it feels to reject contestants. A real man may wear pink, but a real friend would never have let Nicole wear No. 45.
	43.2Squard: Paula’s “Sometimes you have to sing songs that don’t sound right to you” was the condescending end flourish in the grand bus toss that was their fauxhemian “Rhapsody.” Don’t quit your job for TV.
	42. James Kenney: Nicole said she didn’t really know who he was. Neither did we.
	41.Lakoda Rayne: They’ve got a panoply of problems (their name, their genre, their excitingness per capita), yet somehow Paula manages to criticize the two things that weren’t problems: facial expression and vocal blend. Then she puts them through.

For rings, Boyz and Cifers, click NEXT.