Britney Spears’ video for “Criminal” is out, and gang recruitment is already up 200% since 8 a.m.! This has not happened. But you imagine it’s the nightmare scenario you imagine at least one U.K. politician agonized over–or you hope it was, because such outrage just isn’t suited to tiny subconscious inklings of possibly doing criminal behavior after watching it in a music video from a guy who’s also been a love interest. Watching a Britney Spears video: gateway to crime!
All grumbling aside, this is probably the best video of the Femme Fatale era. Well done. But if you’re a kid, you might not want to watch it, especially if you find yourself doing any of the following poor behaviors:
- Haranguing people to smile. (Actually, this part works really well, if it is in fact a subtle commentary on what people’ve been telling Britney.)
- Leaving a fancy party to spritz on some product placement
- Saying this line: “So you’re not working the street corner tonight?” The bad behavior: the line would’ve been so much better if said to the dude!
- Hitting women. No jokes for this one. This is seriously not cool.
- Getting a large symbol tattooed onto your back as if it’s been Photoshopped and/or masking-taped on, and-or dating someone with what seems to be the word “Goose” tattooed on his chest. That’s not his arm! Or her name! Read the lyrics!
- Having a huge set of cubbyholes behind your bed that contain a disembodied mannequin head, as if you’re the Phantom of the Opera, and a gun, as if you’re a… marksman.
- Immediately deciding to embark upon a life of crime for the first time with the guy you just hooked up with. Actually, this really is what the censors are concerned about. You can tell it wasn’t filmed in America because they’re more concerned with the former.
- Robbing a grocery store sans balaclava, sans costume change, while still looking pretty much like Britney Spears. You kinda imagine that they wouldn’t even need to get to the rest of the video had they robbed the place properly.
- Taking showers that obviously have zero water pressure and that kinda look like glass cubicles in an alley.
- Kissing someone while the cops shoot your room to shrapnel and feather-bed shreds. Which is one possible outcome of “Criminal”-the-song, I guess.