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The X Factor Power Rankings: Auditions, Night 2

Posted by Katherine St Asaph and Samantha Martin on 09/23/2011 at 12:36 PM News

The Popdust Files: the x factor, x-factor

During post-production, someone must have watched last night’s auditions for The X Factor and noticed how not even the good ones had a plausible shot at winning. (Words we hope we won’t regret in a few weeks.) And so, buried among the endless hopeless singers and the winners-for-now who get one note of screen time, last night gave us two contestants we could totally see $5 million richer.

This means, of course, that you’d have a more enjoyable X Factor experience (re-)watching their segments on YouTube than slogging through the hellish remainder of the two hours without even having Cheryl Cole as your Geordie-accented Virgil. After all, that just about anything would be a better use of your time than re-acquainting yourself with the antics of…

50. Dillon Lawson: The Lawson who lives in the boondocks, sang Lil Wayne’s “Swag Surfin” with all profanities and probably decided to do the song at the last minute as a diss to Simon’s diss.

49. Curtis “Phoenix” Lawson: The Lawson with the Jesus hair and dreamcatcher/Nicolebait belt buckle who sang like licking a fan blade.

48. Representative Miami Girls in Bikinis on Beach: No “yaaaaar,” but in tandem, they squeal: “Miami has the X Factor!” That sounds contagious. Someone alert the CDC!

47. Xander Alexander: Simon’s least favorite diva and disser of Jay-Z who sings “I’ll Be” (?!) poorly. He strikes us as someone who acts out to overcompensate for extreme nervousness. This excuses nothing.

46. Backstage Crew Member Who Comforts Xander: Stop wasting your time with this bozo — there’s a ghost on the loose! Oh, wait…

45. The Ghost: Ominously dimming the lights? Come on, The Ghost.

44. Wesley Kimbell: Too screechy…

43. Kid Who Would Use $ to Give Back to Community, Church: Too goody…

42. Kid With Glasses Who Would Use $ to Buy a Helicopter: Too easy…

41. Kid Who Would Use $ to Buy Neverland Ranch: TOO SOON! (But easily the most fun plan yet!)

For another Internet blogger, a very confused man and our least favorite judge, click NEXT.